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Self-compassion – how to put it into practice

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This article was written by one of our SANE Forum Moderators - @Tortoiseshell 

 

You’ve probably heard the phrase “be kind to yourself.” Perhaps when you were going through a tough time or someone heard you being especially hard on yourself. But what does it actually mean? Having a bubble bath? Gagging that self-critical voice? For those who find this concept a bit mysterious, we’ll talk through how to put self-compassion into practice. 

 

What is self-compassion?

Self-compassion is a loving and caring feeling that arises in response to our own suffering. It reduces our ‘threat’ system and stress hormones and activates the systems associated with love and bonding. This increases feelings of safety, security, and connectedness. Long-term this has benefits for mental health issues and stress. Kristin Neff has written and taught extensively on self-compassion, and put a real spotlight on how to apply it in everyday life. In practice it has three elements:

 

Mindfulness: We mentioned self-compassion is a response to our own suffering. This means we have to be present to some extent with our suffering for feelings of compassion to arise. That’s where a mindful attitude comes in. It helps us observe the pain without resisting it or letting it become the whole story of who we are.

 

Recognising the common humanity of pain and suffering: Often when we suffer we feel isolated, feeling that we are the only one to make mistakes, fail, or feel pain. Recognising our common humanity means acknowledging it is human to suffer. This increases feelings of connectedness and reduces self-criticism.

 

Kindness to self: When times are tough, we often criticise or berate ourselves. Self-kindness is treating ourselves in a way that is kind, supportive, and caring. Imagine your response when a friend is suffering. Chances are you say kind words or offer some help. Self-kindness is applying this response to ourselves too.

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Self-compassion exercises

Self-compassion is a skill that can be learnt. Here are a few exercises to experiment with:

 

  • Journal self-compassionately: Write down something you are struggling with at the moment using the elements of self-compassion (something not too painful to start off with). Mindfully label what you are feeling, also noticing where you are being critical of yourself, or where you are building up an upsetting story: “See, I knew it, I am a failure!” Then notice if you are feeling isolated in this struggle? Can you remind yourself of how this is a human experience? Lastly, write yourself some kind and supportive words that you would give to someone you care about: “I’m sorry you’re going through this, I care about you, I want to support you.”

  • Again, write down something minor you are struggling with at the moment. Then imagine that a friend you care for has written this. What would you say to them? How would you support or encourage them?

  • Try the inverse of this – in response to what you have written, imagine what a really supportive person in your life would say to you. They can be a person from your past, present, or a figure in your faith.

  • Ask yourself, “what do I need right here, right now?” This is a way of tuning into your own needs like a supportive person or parent would do.

  • Try a self-compassion meditation on insight timer.

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Know your limits

For some people, it does not feel safe to be self-compassionate. For people who have experienced trauma, a lack of safety, or very distressing experiences, these practices can highlight how difficult conditions were in the past or are right now. For some, being tough or ‘self-critical’ might have been learnt or role modelled as the only way to get by in the world, so trying out self-compassion might feel unsafe and threatening. 

 

It’s important we pay attention to our limits in trying out self-compassion exercises. It is normal for it to feel a bit uncomfortable, as for self-compassion to work we have to be present with suffering. Pay attention to your body, thoughts, and feelings, and whether it feels manageable. If it is overwhelming, step away and do something practical and grounding like petting an animal, getting a drink, or going for a walk. You can always come back and try again.

 

If self-compassion exercises feel overwhelming

  • Any activities that meet your needs are a good substitute – walking the dog, getting outside, listening to music, having a cuppa, or seeing people you trust.
  • Explore mindfulness, yoga, or breathing exercises that help you feel more comfortable being present with emotional pain.
  • Get support from a counsellor, psychologist, or mental health professional. Ask them about self-compassion.
  • Experiencing a compassionate therapeutic relationship with your mental health professional can also be a way of developing self-compassion.
  • If you are struggling with isolation, check out our online mental health forum to connect with others concerned about mental health issues.

 

Keep practicing

Self-compassion is a skill and one that definitely doesn’t come naturally for a lot of us. However, with practice, self-compassion provides a source of inner strength that can support us through tough times and help our mental health in the long term.

 

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38 Comments

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MightandPower66
Casual Contributor

Thankyou I just joined here and found this information. This is very helpful. Yes like so many I find it extremely difficult to show compassion to myself. One thing I have learned to do is let myself have a good cry when I need to release some emotional pressure. For years I could not cry at all! Or only in the most extreme, grief- stricken circumstances. And just the other day I cried at work when a customer was rude to me. It was awful, scary and uncomfortable but later on I realized what a step forward it was to just be able to do that and to hell with the reactions of others ( which I imagined or was fearfully convinced would be uncomprehending, critical, scornful, seeing me as "weak" or "pathetic" words I heard all too often as a child). But in reality my co-workers were kind, caring and respectful, covered my arse while I went out the back to take a deep breath, offered to talk if I wanted to but maybe I just needed a hug ( I did) suddenly I just felt a whole lot more okay about letting people see that vulnerabilitu. I have become a big fan of crying!!!! and when on my own I just hug myself and talk to myself as I would to a child in distress.

Another thing I do is close my eyes and remember myself as a kid, I was always rescuing baby birds that had fallen from nests in the many trees around the house, or somehow injured themselves in their first attempts to fly. There is nothing more vulnerable, more fragile, more utterly helpless than a flightless baby bird  They have to be handled with such quiet and mindful gentleness or they will just die of shock. And many people will remember the feeling of protective tenderness they had with a baby bird in their hands, a long time ago or recently. So I am able to recreate this feeling through memory and visualization, and just by feeling it, the energy of it replaces pain or harsh and uncaring vibes towards myself. It just sort of melts them away and makes me feel good as what I'm doing I guess is reminding myself of what depth of empathy I have the potential to feel. Because my personal experience in moments of savage self criticism is that I have no empathy available for anyone much ( even if I can fake it for others not that I'm proud of it) and least of all for myself.

Thanks again for such valuable insights.

ginger2076
New Contributor

I just don't understand the self compassion thing.

I've read all the comments, and I just don't get it.

 

Hope771
New Contributor

I fled domestic abuse December last year.  Realising only after 10 years it was abuse I was experiencing.  After googling his pattern of behaviour.  I stepped up and actually confided in a friend, who gave me full warning S what I was receiving was actually abuse.  When my youngest child was six month, ex broke my finger because I offended him.  At this beginning he was physical, only for me to confide in his mother who said he did not mean to do it, you love each other things will work out.  Well things only got worse. The talking downs, belittling, saying I was crazy, smear campaigning, financial abuse the list goes on and on.  I never got a cent off him I fed all my children, clothes my children loved my children.  When I spoke up to him, he said no one would believe what I have to say. So I shut up thinking he's words were true.  I feel so stupid.  He sent 2 of my daughters to cairns to stay with his sister against my wishes. He said they were going only for two weeks and that I had no say in the matter( I felt so weak to believe him) This occurred mid January. I have not got them back. He said there is nothing I can do.  Yet I spoke to a women's legal who gave me advice on doing a parenting recovery letter. The only thing is I am currently homeless and waiting upon a house through housing so myself and two young boys are staying in a hotel, I don't know how long I am able to afford, otherwise we will be in the car. We are located on the Sunshine Coast.  I am feeling so lost, hurt and don't express my need of help to anyone.  It's so hard, my kids keep me going though.  I have been left in despair and isolated and the ex constantly gives me guilt trips and says I will not to see my girls.  I flew up a few weeks ago with a friend to see them so they don't think I don't care.  I so want a house so my little family can be reunited again.  I miss them so much it hurts every day 

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