Lived Experience Forum

[Jynx]

@Sans911 Sending you some extra strength to help you through the night. Please don't hesitate to reach out if you need. 

[Former-Member]

He now is walking by me in the house and treating me like I am not even there. I cannot wait for him to go to work then I will be able to breathe. The ignoring me even has a physical person sharing the same dwelling is sad and painful. I tried to switch off my feelings so he can no longer hurt me. But it's not working. It hurts so bad. Just want the pain to go

[Former-Member]

Hurts so much

[Former-Member]

Thankyou @Jupiter 

[Define_normal]

I have a lot of trouble getting access to services I need, I know living rural doesn't help but even when I lived in Brisbane I was unable to access some services that should have been available to me. I have 3 major medical issues that I should be seeing regular specialists for but in the last 18months I have seen 1 specialist for women's health that I can't see again because of distance and cost. I was told that the specialist bulk billed by the referring Dr but they didn't and I wasn't informed till after the appointment where I had to borrow money from family to pay the $325. I can't continue with them as I can't afford the travel, accommodation and cost of treatment. These appointments also mean my partner misses work because I can't drive and my son misses school. This appointment also was traumatising for me as I was told to wear a mask or leave despite severe asthma, anxiety, panic disorder and complex post traumatic stress disorder which left me in a breathless and anxious panicked state the whole time and on a number of occasions I had to pull the mask away from my face to try and breath better and relax myself so i did not pass out. I sent a complaint to the Queensland health ombudsman and all I was told was they don't deal with these type of matters. I tried to contact Queensland health and the health minister neither have contacted me back. 

I'm also struggling with what I was told in the appointment. I have been trying for another child for a while now but while I have had a couple of miscarriages in the past the last 2 years I have had nothing and at this appointment they did some scans and tests. I got a diagnosis of polycystic ovaries and an inactive ovary but the Dr I saw said he saw signs of endo and said it was possible I may not even be ovulating but I probably won't be able to get those results now.

I feel so out of place right now. I know I have a child already but all I ever wanted was a big family.

[Former-Member]

I got through almost another day. Why can't I enjoy being alive. Is there no realness or happiness anywhere. Please tell me where it is. I am trying really hard to take care of myself. But it is challenging to because I don't see a reason to. What is the point? 

[Former-Member]

I am not a bad person, I have a beautiful soul, I am loving, I am giving, I am ok.......

Everyone of those statements are made by those that don't really see the real me, they only see the masked version of me. I have never felt comfortable being me as apparently I am exactly like my mother according to my step mother growing up. Yes this was a bad thing because everyone hated her and I knew she didn't want me so being just like her was yet another burden to hide from the world. At the tender age of 5 knowing without a doubt that your mother hates you is kind life shaping, seeking approval from everyone because it the one person that was meant to love you doesn't then how could anyone else. I searched for approval everywhere I could from anyone that would give it to me, which often almost always ended in abuse. So as I grew I began to look for someone to love me and take care of me and after the years of abuse, that is what love looked like for me. 

At 16 I did not hesitate when a boy I had a crush on asked me to marry him after 2 months of dating, once I said yes his true colours shone through. I didn't think anything of it when I confided in the man that I would later marry and have three children about the only abuse I really remembered on our 3 date when after he heard what my uncle had pinned me down and abused me as well. See that is what love looks like.

I am struggling to survive in this cruel world, Yes I have a wonderful ex hubby but do you know how hard it is at accept a good man when the bulk of your life all you have known is the pain that men bring.

[Former-Member]

Feeling very bitter today. And I know why. And I hate that feeling so much it wreaks things. I cannot forgive him this time..I have been married for a while and everytime I forgive him I so much feel better on the inside of me. I feel like this bitterness is eating away my soul. It even affects how I sleep. As in unpleasant dreams. I am feeling very stuck. If I choose to forgive then my heart won't feel so very hard and ugly towards him. But then he can hurt me again.. But being so bitter is also hurting me too. I can hardly look in his direction at all. The atmosphere in this house is awful when he is here. I just want to go home.

There is no where else to go unless I want to live on the streets. I am unable to work to provide for myself because of fear and other issues. I cannot recieve any financial assistance because he earns too much. He controls all the money he earns and gives me $50 a fortnight for my own private use. I don't have any friends because because I don't know how to. Been cooped up far to long. There is 1 person in my life that seems to really care. But she has many hard issues at the moment in her own life. I cannot share to much about mine. It just doesn't seem right. And I don't want to add any more to her.

I actually hate myself. I know I am rambling on and on. I am on another forum also, but he knows that I am. So I am not free to share anything deep. Truth is I cannot even connect properly to people on there. I can see it. I feel like a lot of people avoid me and don't like me. I don't have a good flowing rapport with anyone. Others do. That is like in real life also. I have not much of an idea how to talk with other people. That is why I won't start a thread on here. I don't know how to connect to other people. I can easy listen to others. But conversations even the written kind... I don't know properly how to make it go back and forth. I hardly feel free anyway. On here I it is not like that. 

Another day. Its almost 7am.

[outlander]

I wish i could get away from everything. But the thing i want to get away from the most isnt possible. Me.

[Former-Member]

Sitting here on the floor near the bookcase. Feel so sad and lonely. Why does he never so sorry to me. Almost made it through another day. 

Trying to distract myself by organising these books into colours. Just existing.