Skip to main content
Forums Home
Illustration of people sitting and standing

New here?

Chat with other people who 'Get it'

with health professionals in the background to make sure everything is safe and supportive.

Register

Have an account?
Login

cancel
Showing results for 
Search instead for 
Did you mean: 

Our stories

fraser845
Contributor

Living in a relationship - my partner has BPD - I am not coping

Hi,

 

I dont know where to start and I appreciate anyone who reads my story and is providing any support I can get at the moment.

To start, I am in an on/off relationship with my partner. There is quite a age difference between us. We had been together for more than 1 year and within that time, a lot did happen bringing me nearly to the breaking point. Simply because I do not understand her behaviour which does not match her words. I was reading a lot about BPD and understand the baseline of the condition or mental illness, however I strongly dont want to believe that it is impossible to have a loving relationship.

In this year a lot happened. She suffers from extreme stress due to her workload and having kids, which increases her stress levels, unable to cope with the amount of work she has to do as running a business and then to look after house and kids as well. This was before we moved together. Her emotional condition is very fluctuating which was creating in me a more calm and less emotional baseline, to cope with these changing emotional levels. Not that I actually tried to not show her how to love her, I was always on the edge if the next thing I say or do will reactivate her BPD and she goes instantly into fight and flight mode. There is a long hx of specific trauma in her past life and a lot has to do with sexuality. So she is sexually very impulsive, sometime completely out of control and into areas which are very specific, to say it that way. In times where things were a bit difficult with us, she was going out nights, got extremely drunk which was leading to further sexual abuse or random hook ups with other guys. Her anxiety increased constantly leading to the situation she was feeling suicidal already in the morning and every night going to bed. I was quiting work/shifts often to go home and look after her, make sure she is safe ( I am a medical professional ), leading to increased suicidality telling me sometimes nearly every day she does not want to wake up next day, or talking about several other ways to end her life. Further she asked me often which way would be the softest and nicest way to die - it makes me heart broken and I did not want to speak about it, to not give her ideas but on the other hand I tried to determine clinically her state of mind. The most difficult in these situations is the juggle if I should place her on an MH order - if she would be one of my regular patients I definetly would pursue that pathway - but then knowing (given her information from the past with her extensive treatment and consultation is correct) there is risk I lose every possibility to observe her condition and be around her, as she just recognise me as a "threat" to her condition. Further a lot of possible treatment options had already been used from her description. She refuses to go back to her psychiatrist, tried apparently different medications with no good effect, does not see we need proper help.

We tried with a relationship psychologist but she did quit after 3 session and accused the therapist of being not able to fix our problem, making things just worse/us fight (we did speak about things from the session, but it was always going back into a negative view on things and I had no change to open her up or that it seems she shows insight/see things from a different perspective) - the psychologist suspected that her BPD got to much exposed, she recognised the risk and did not want to get involved with any further management or exposure of her condition.

I did managed her suicidality several times with success, however I was not able to completely show her, that she is safe. It seems her way of thinking and response to things is completely different to mine - or someone elses. Lying about things, not matching stories about where she had been out at night times and then cheating became more and more a situation. We finally broke up and had no contact for a week when she contacted me again, we talked, saw each other and got again engaged with each other. I had moved out by that time. Plan was to build up slowly our connection. We both know that we love each other, miss each other and crave each other - so she is telling me every day. She did start dating the same time, mentioning she needs distraction, clear her mind and understand that us/me is what she really wants. I did not date, yes I had one encouter just after the breakup but as soon as we started to build our connection, I did not talk to anyone. I just couldnt. So our journey continued, she talking to then 1-2 specific guys every day, lots - me still telling she loves me and needs me - however always seing our past in a negative aspect, telling me when I showed her that I changed and can understand her now better, want to be more supportive and did lots for her to understand I am telling the truth - she often told me that she wished for all of that last year to had happen. So we were often from a happy moment and good times, quickly going into depressive mode referring back to things which had been stressful and difficult in the past.  She continued to date however told me she is not having sexual encouters with these people as she needs a connection for that. It all continued until I recognised that she was sleeping with other guys and inviting them jnto her home. She always told me, she wont invite anyone into her home, because of her kids. This just shocked me. Yes she did sleep with him but continued to tell me, it is just a distraction, she loves me and craves me and have no feelings at all for that person. Given that she takes the risk her kids can see him or notice anything, is what I truly dont understand.

The other issue are friends as she call them, constantly manipulating her apparently by telling her to quit their friendship if she would not act like expected. It happened several times that apparently she was dumped on nights out by her friends, drunk and exposed to risks. I always was on the edge when she was going out because it was only one night, where not incident happened. On all other occasions I was scared about her safety and her actions, so I picked her up from her location when she told me the was dumped again, is drunk and does not know what to do. There seem this self destructive behaviour to accept these influencing friends and accept their behaviour/consequences she has to go through because of them, as she states she does not have any other friends and time with them gives her joy and fun until the point something completely horrible happens.

I am at the breaking point where she still wants to slowly move forward with us under these conditions but I just cant. I cannot sit here and go to work, get lied into my face that she is going to bed early then finding out she has someone over, telling me she loves me but sleeping with other guys. How can you tell someone you love him intensly and miss him, desire him but then spend so much time and effort on other guys with talking, meeting and sex? Telling me she needs to figure out, if she wants just friends with benefits even not having a connection with anyone or if she needs a relationship. So when I say I love someone - and apparently she would never say "I love you", if she does not mean it or feel it - I can not literally think about a friends with benefits condition on one side and seek joy / casual encounters but on the other hand, tell someone I love him and I crave him, need him, having a deep conversation or connection to. 

I just dont get the point and I try to understand if there is any hope for this or what would be the best thing to do. I appreciate any comments or experience someone with BPD or partner can come up with. Thank you very much.

5 REPLIES 5

Re: Living in a relationship - my partner has BPD - I am not coping

@Determined thats my story.

Re: Living in a relationship - my partner has BPD - I am not coping

@fraser845  that is a lot and I can understand you are at breaking point...   I'm not sure I could cope with all of that....

 

I can relate to much of that but not the sleeping around with other guys. Other than 1 relationship that I know about since we have been together. (She says they only ever talked but I dont 100% believe her). If it was to that extent I personally could not get past that. But then I always thought that about even a single occurance before it happened so who knows. 

 

 

 

 

 

Re: Living in a relationship - my partner has BPD - I am not coping

@Determined 

yes it’s hard. And I don’t understand her self destructive way. She seems to have the need to feel not happy, she thinks she doesn’t deserve it. I guess that’s why she puts herself so often in dangerous situations. Yesterday she told me that she nearly had every night someone else over. It’s just sex she said, there are no emotions at all. She has this deep connection with me only and that’s why it’s different. She said there is no competition between me and anyone else, as it’s completely seperate for her. While she tries to live a selfish live - she said to just not have the pressure of a relationship at the moment and not to have to think about someone’s feeling - she on the other hand tells me when she is sad to come over and cuddle, how much she miss me and the girls miss me, how much she loves me. 

I can not think that way. Every day is like I get ripped more and more apart, can’t think, can’t eat. I don’t know if it would be helpful to just draw a line in the sand and say: do what you feel like, I love you but I can not go that way with you anymore. If you find out that we are what you want, knock on my door and we take it from there. 

Well i actually did that 1 week ago. She was straight defensive, passive aggressive and told me, that if we want to work on this it’s only working when we communicate and see each other. So I got anxious and agreed but I am not sure if it’s just her manipulative way, anxiety not to loose the person of stability. She lied about do many things, probably to protect my feelings or maybe not to be seen in a certain way, I just don’t know anymore what’s true and what’s a lie. 

Re: Living in a relationship - my partner has BPD - I am not coping

@fraser845  that is tough.

Only you can realy make a decision as to how to proceed and I dont think it is unreasonable to expect a significant other to be faithful. 

 

'I don’t know if it would be helpful to just draw a line in the sand and say: do what you feel like, I love you but I can not go that way with you anymore. If you find out that we are what you want, knock on my door and we take it from there'

 

I dont think that is unreasonable...

To suggest that it is is manipulation (in my opinion).

 

It is really important to look after your health as well. You said you worked in medical field so probably already know this.  I was having this discussion with a sibling only this afternoon, I wish I had done something much sooner.  5 years after a burnout I am still no closer to being self sufficient and sometimes wonder if I will ever revover  😞 

Some of your feelings in your last post reminds me of how I was before I crashed out.

I don't sat that to be alarmist just concerned for you and feelimg for you.

 

I say that also with the disclaimer that I am currently in a hole and emotional about my current level of incapacity. And nothing you have said has caused that, just where I am at the moment. 

 

 

 

Re: Living in a relationship - my partner has BPD - I am not coping

Hello,

I understand this is realy hard for you and you need to also take care of yourself in these situations.

I have BPD myself and i only recently got diagnosed but i suggest reading books on the situation it helps not only the person who experiences BPD but friends and family to understand what is going on and how to help.

I suggest reading Loving Someone With Borderline Personality disorder by Shari Y. Manning, she goes into details of not only how to help you loved one but yourself and even treatments.

 

I can completely understand that you partner feels like all treaments have been done and dont work because a lot actually don't, yes BPD is treatable but it takes experience from the treater to make it work and medications dont do much because we're not treating just a hormone imbalance here but an inability to manage emotions.

 

It's really concerning that her friends would just abandon her while on a night out and they don't sound like the best people to be around. Her behaviour can come from feeling like these are the only people who will accept her and that's what she's worth.

 

Her sleeping with other men comes to impulsive behaviour and honestly must be painful to experience but intense emotions and stating that you love someone is a very big deal for someone with BPD so this situation has a lot more depth that just your partner cheating.

 

Borderline Personality Disorder is honestly a terrible experience for all parties because on both sides you don't know hwat the other is thinking. the fact you want to figure it out is so much more effort that others would put in. It is a hugely stigmatised disorder and very little on the internet can actually explain what it is. 

 

 

 

Illustration of people sitting and standing

New here?

Chat with other people who 'Get it'

with health professionals in the background to make sure everything is safe and supportive.

Register

Have an account?
Login

For urgent assistance

Ruah Community Services supports and empowers vulnerable and disadvantaged people so they can create meaningful change in their lives.

13 RUAH (13 7824)

255 Hay Street, Subiaco, Western Australia 6008

connecting@ruah.org.au

Ruah Community Services acknowledges and respects the Traditional Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander Custodians/Owners of the land on which we work, live and build our lives, families, and communities. We pay our respects to the First Peoples of this country, their cultures and Elders past, present and emerging.