Lived Experience Forum

[NatureLover]

I'm sorry you are feeling so broken. I remember writing a lot too, in my bad times. I can hear that everything that's happened in the last 2 years has overwhelmed you. I really hope now for a period of calm and protection around you, so that you can start to build yourself back up. 

@Powderfinger 

[Powderfinger]

@NatureLover 

Thank you. I'm making my life calm and protected right now. I'm not sure how to explain that or what I'm doing. My head is a minefield, so I'm slowly walking through it, disarming the mines and then eradicating how they got there. I'm making a lot of lifestyle changes and finally am giving myself my love and energy more than to everyone else. A lot more balance. Writing is really good for me. Thanks for being here and writing. 

[Caringsoul73]

@Powderfinger 

I'm sorry to hear that you've had a lot to cope withsnd your in a tough place at the moment. Letting you know that I'm right here for support and sending it right your way. 
I hope you draw some comfort sharing amongst us here too. 

[Powderfinger]

@Caringsoul73 @NatureLover @Eve7 @Jynx 

I've tried to keep busyish today. I've stopped trying to make sense of what I'm going through. It's too exhausting. The complexity of it makes it harder. I know I can't help my sister. She doesn't want to be helped. I also have to keep myself safe. Emotionally and psychologically safe. On a normal day, that is what I would have to do and now that I'm so fragile it is even more important. 

I think I'm dealing with a lot of guilt. Trying to explore that a bit more. I wanted to protect my sister and I couldn't. I look at her photos of when she was a little girl. When we were little. I think how can anyone hurt that pretty and cute face? Then I think how could anyone hurt me too? I stop and think and just feel nothing. It happened. I feel nauseated and like I'm going to pass out sometimes. I did protect her when I could. Sometimes my mother would get angry if I did. 

I'm so sensitive, I cannot watch people getting bullied or hurt in any way. I beat a lot of people up in my teens. Anyone that bullied my sister or me, I beat them up. Girls and boys. It didn't matter. I'm not proud of it. 

The thing is I can understand now why my sister is how she is. My mother used to talk to me a lot as to how my sister was treating her. I just got caught in a cycle. A horrible cycle. The cycle went on for a long time. I'm slowly unravelling the cycle. 

I think too, for me it feels strange to have two family members out there and I'm alone. I mean, I wonder what they do with their lives now? Obviously much more than this is going on when it comes to that large part of my life. I'm trying to research articles. Hard to find good ones. 

[Ripples]

Hi there @Jinx, It sounds like your life is ripe for change. What really makes you happy? That is where you sound like you need to be.