03-01-2019 01:44 PM
My partner and I have been together for 10 years, he has had anxiety and depression the whole time, and it’s been rough on and off. He’s had a number of psychologists and was on medication, but it really didn’t work for him, so he’s been managing things through more holistic methods. The last year has been rough, lots of health issues etc. but things are just spiralling and I’m feeling exceptionally alone- and to be frank - I’m running out of compassion and when he’s in a bad place, I just can’t help but get my back up and fight back. I’m angry, really angry and I feel like he is placing all of the blame at my feet. And I’m exhausted. And every time I try to get a break it means I’m selfish. And of course- where he’s at right now - well it’s all about what’s wrong with me. I’m not perfect, but also it’s always about his needs, what I have to change, how I’m not supporting him. And anytime I have a rough day it’s like I’m not entitled because his life is so much worse than mine so I just need to suck it up, Fox my issues and then it will all be fine. I don’t know what I’m expecting from posting. I guess partly it was just that I needed to get it out of my head, to help release some of my anger and frustration.
03-01-2019 01:58 PM
Hi there @Audrey no doubt even when we care and love someone with depression, we are still humans ourself, and the manifesting of human emotions when backed against a wall will no doubt emerge. Well done on opening up here and thank you so much for sharing your story.
In terms of support for yourself, what sort of services have you got access to at the moment? Do you have a face to face therapist you see yourself? Keen to hear how you're feeling now
03-01-2019 02:20 PM
Hello @nashy thank you so much for your response. It’s helpful just to know someone heard me. I don’t necesssrily have greAt support at the moment. The therapist I was seeing wasn’t working out, and I haven’t found one since. My partners parents exacerbate the situation, and my family and friends love me so much they can’t be impartial or just listen without judgement. I know I need to start seeing someone again, if just seems exhausting to go through it all again!
03-01-2019 02:49 PM
Also @nashy in terms of how im
Feeling right now I think lost, overwhelmed, angry and hurt. I’m lost because im
personally at a cross roads that im
trying navigate (took a redundancy to find something amazing but just not sure what that amazing is). Overwhelmed because it’s just me being his support network, and occasionally his dr, but according to him I’m the absolute worst most selfish person there is. Angry because im trying really hard and it’s just never enough, and hurt because he can just be mean with his criticism, and it feels like he believes im the worst thing that ever happened and the cause of everything (when he’s having a complete meltdown).
03-01-2019 03:29 PM
Oh your life sounds so much like mine! My husband has heart issues as well as other issues, plus I have my son living with us who is also the butt of his rantings quite often also. Every time he rants, it’s all my fault. My son and I are the cause of his stress, depression, heart condition, finiancial issues..everything! I have lost all self esteem. I am at the stage of thinking of leaving, for my own health. I still love him and I know he needs my help, but what about me? What about my son? What is he learning from this? That just because someone is sick, they can treat you like sh**? But I don’t want to abandon him? I’m so confused
03-01-2019 04:03 PM
I empathise with everything you are saying. This is exactly how I feel. I know that he has this illness and that its the same as something physical - but I too am loosing my self confidence. I also feel like a terrible person because Its almost like I have run out of emathy for him - now anytime he has a bad day, or doesnt feel well - I just want to shake him and tell him to take some responsibility and get his sh*t together, which I know is completely unhelpful and not at all what I would do. I also just feel guilty - I love having friends, a social life and doing things - and for him thats just too hard. Plus there are the REALLY bad days when he talks about ending it, and how all he has is me and Im pretty crap - and why should he even bother, plus I stop him from achieving his goals and dreams, caused his physical health issues etc, so if I did decide to end it and then something awful happened, well how the heck am I supposed to live with that! Its all so confusing...
03-01-2019 10:24 PM
Getting supports in place and looking after our own health and well-being makes a huge difference and fosters resilience. Setting and enforcing boundaries (relationship rules that protect our hearts) can seem daunting but is sometimes necessary.
Grief, anger, resentment are emotions a lot of us carers feel; it is part of our lot. Owning these emotions are the first step in being able to deal with them.
I will tag you in some threads you may find helpful.
04-01-2019 12:44 PM
Thank you @Darcy - yesterday I was pretty much at the end of what ever I had in my tank - and today i guess it isnt much better, but Im somewhat more in control of my own emotions so thats good. What i would find super useful if there is anyhing - is hints and tips on how to work through an "episode" essentially right now we can not have any kind of a conversation without it completely disentegrating into a disaster - my partner is just so angry (which is his response for any negative emotion - ie grief, sadness, frustration dissappoint etc all look like anger. Added to this is his believe that he is compeltely objective - hes an INTJ on the myers briggs scale (and has used this to help him understand the way he relates to the world - helpful) but it has also meant that he doesnt perceive himself to come at discussions from a place of feelings - so sees mine as ridiculous - and also thinks that he is completely objective with no internal biasis. There is no circumstance where I could possibly be right in his mind, because he is smarter than i am IQ not EQ). So then, when things become tense - they go off the rails almost immediatly - and I am at a complete loss on how best ot manage the situation. If I leave him alone I lack empathy, if I try to get him to open up im nto respecting his space and need to alone time, if I try to leave the house its unfair to him because hes stuck here etc etc. As pertty much the only person he has regular contact with, I am also the cause of everything - and he perceives I have an inabilty to grow and develop and I have a fixed mindset (all things he sees as bad). Finally - i have tried to broach the subject of a relationship counsellor but he will not entertain this - he believes he has all the answers on the problems - which he has given me and i have failed to fix (because they are my problems). Finally - he constantly sends me information on the needs of an INTJ and because of the MI expects me to do all of them, whilst having very little care for my needs, the first article you sent lables it as resentment and to be honest, that is exactly how I feel, exceptionally resentful. thanks for listening.
04-01-2019 02:02 PM
@Audrey I am afraid that I am not up to all the personality types but putting the responsibility for ones own happiness onto others as well as selfishness and not seeing past oneself seems to be a common trait of depression and MI. Yes, it stinks that we need to be the one who seemingly give in, but managing our own responses is a key to coping. Learning about MI was one of the best things that I did, especially about "expressed emotion" , inappropriate ways of handling situations and learning how to respond in a way that helps keep one's own blood pressure from going sky high.''
My suggestion, which will also possibly bring up feelings of frustration, is when he is angry, just keep quiet, it is hard but is often the best thing to do as reactive responses are often poor. Another example, when he sends the information, I would suggest simply thanking him for it, without further comment.
As staff on the Sane helpline are trained, perhaps you could give them a call, they may be able to give you some tips to being able to cope in the present.
As a carer we do not need to accept the burden that our loved ones happiness is up to us. Yes, we can love and care for them, we can support, encourage and do things that help reduce stress, but ultimately their well being is not dependent on us (although a supportive relationship does make a difference to them).
I think it important to realise that they too are not responsible for our wellbeing either. Doing things that enhance our own mental health such as having regular time out with friends and not feeling guilty about it is important, he does not always need to be invited. Finding purpose and meaning in our lives is an independent thing. Longer term, setting boundaries, perhaps with the help of a counsellor, might be of benefit to you. They might be able to help you as to when and how to calmly suggest how he can take personal responsibility .
PS I totally understand how a bit of consideration and kindess, not to mention appreciation and gratefullness for what we do would be gratefully received.
06-01-2019 07:06 PM
I have done this lots of times in my early years of our marriage but now when he is angry, I just keep quiet,
Over the years I might just say a suggestion and then leave him to think about it
we are here for you and remember you are not alone my friends xxx
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