Lived Experience Forum

[Akumi]

I know its not just me who's been through this.

But why can't parents ever get it?

I told my mum I felt empty and upset today, and she just said it was because I had too much free time in my hands. My dad yells at me on the daily at the smallest things and is quite narcissistic. I told my mum today that my parents and grandparents make me feel upset, she told me to never talk about it again because I should just be thinking about how to improve my 'worth' in society so that people accept me more. I've lived like this for over 4 years. I have DPDR (Depersonalisation and Derealisation disorder) and I feel unreal and fake everyday. My mum thinks Im saying all of this for attention. 
Ive grown up to be a people pleaser, I dont want others to feel the same as me. 
But I just feel depressed. 
Everyday I have no appetite, nothing to look forward to, this constant sadness flooding my head, this guilty feeling, the pressure to please everyone, the stress from my school work and outside of school activities. 
WHEN WILL IT STOP.

I JUST WANT TO FEEL ALIVE AGAIN.
IVE TRIED EVERYTHING. RELIGION, GAMES, HANGING OUT WITH FRIENDS, RELATIONSHIPS, THERAPY, MUSIC. WHY CANT I FEEL BETTER.

FOR 4 YEARS AND MORE. 
I HAVENT FELT ALIVE SINCE.
People at school dont care about me. They all think its funny. No one believes me. No one listens to me.
I listen to everyone's problems, and i comfort them. So how come when i tell them my problems all I get replied with is 'Oh'? 
Im tired. 
I know people have it worse than me.
But I just want to feel better, and I want other people to feel better.

[Friendlyflutter]

Hi there @Akumi 

We wanted to take this opportunity to welcome you to the forums.

We hope that you find the forums a great place to connect with other members, share stories and ideas, and find the support and connection you deserve.

Feel free to Introduce yourself here if you haven’t already!

We look forward to seeing you around on the forums!

It definitely seems like things have been difficult for you, do you have any other supports around you?

[NatureLover]

Hi and welcome, @Akumi . I'm sorry to hear what you're going through 😢

Am concerned for you, especially about your depression. Do you have any professional support? Like a counsellor, meds, psychologist or psychiatrist?

An important forum tip is if you type @ and then click on a name in the drop-down box, that person will get a notification and won't miss your reply.

I hope you find the forums supportive...

[8ppleTree]

Hi @Akumi 

Welcome to the forums 🙂

That sounds like you're holding so much sadness around you. I'm so sorry to hear that your family and friends can't grasp why, or how. It must feel awful for you. 

Some of the things you're describing do sound like depression, and it might be worth mentioning them to your doctor/therapist. Sometimes there is relief there for us, if we reach out.

Please don't think that I'm in any way dismissing your feelings. It's important for you to know your worth is inherent. You are seen, and it's ok to feel. Your feelings lead to your values, ie why you're upset, and that's not a bad thing. Do you journal? Or make art? Or playlists? Sometimes it's really helpful to discover and solidify who we are by writing our narrative, choosing our words/icons. Even if we change, grow and shift throughout our processes, we are still honouring our journeys. 

I hope for some improvement/relief in your experiences. Not in yourself, or others. You and they are who you all are and it's ok (if that makes sense?). 

Feeling for you x 

[Asgard]

Hi @Akumi 

Glad that you have found your way here as it takes guts to share your story.  Just wondering if your Mum was there when you were diagnosed and how much info you received associated with it.  Have to admit that sometimes I feel divorced from the real world at times, so I have an inkling in how you feel.  The one thing I have learned is that human contact and interaction is a must, and that connection keeps me grounded.  I need to find things that interest me and excite me, which luckily I have - hope you can too.

I gather that you are still at school, so do you have any plans for what career you want.  I'd investigate those, and see if there are any opportunities to get experience into those industries whilst still at school.

Look after yourself 🙂

[Tilz]

Hi @Akumi. I'm sorry to hear that. Do you have siblings or a close friend? How is your studies going?