Lived Experience Forum

[Anondepressed]

Ok, things ARE getting a bit better, in the way that there is less screaming, and we had a real heart to heart (at least I thought so) a few days ago.

But, twice my GF has gotten home REALLY late from work, since then. 

First of all, I think it's UNLIKELY that she's cheating.

Once, I'll willing to let it slide, even though I don't agree, but twice is a pattern and frankly suspicious.

She says I'm annoying...for trying to connect with my partner...?! I hardly see her, so when she's not sleeping, working, or Xbox, then it's fair that that leftover time is for us and us alone...right? It seems not, as I'm noticing that Xbox is more and more. I only started playing as a way to spend more time with her.

Ok, in more detail;

Because of the heat lately, she's been working at night. Ok, nothing suspicious there, fair enough. She leaves at about 8-9pm, after dinner (we collaborate on meals, instead of housemate doing for us), but doesn't get back until the early hours of the morning.

Now, she has me get text messages when she's working, a safety measure that's been added to keep the workers safe, like an emergency contact, I guess. According to those, she works until 4am, then clocks off. 

But, she won't come home until the sun comes up, around 6.30-7am. She only works about 15 minutes driving time away, so EVEN if she decides to watch that night's news, (about 30 minutes or so), there is STILL a time discrepancy. I can't help but feel uneasy (maybe it's just coz this is all new?), and frankly don't want to push her about it, as I know that will end in a fight. 

She has complained that our room is  small, she's got to climb over me to get into bed. Well, I fixed that a long time ago by simply switching our pillows so that she doesn't have to worry about climbing over and possibly disturbing me. I did that before going to bed, in hope that she WOULD just climb in next to me. She didn't, and frankly I don't know if I should keep doing that. 

This simple act of sleeping in the same bed is soothing and a given in serious relationships, yeah? Not according to her, at least not all the time. 

She claimed this morning that she worked until 6am, but I checked the tracking link in the text at about 4.15am, before finally able to go to sleep. (Link active any time until she clocks off.) I heard her car finally come in at 6am. I was awake a little before then, and lay in bed pondering if I should go out to her car or wait until she came into our room to take a nap. I ended up getting up to go to the loo, and saw her car outside, but then saw her keys on the table. I couldn't remember if she took those specific keys (she has 2 sets) , and decided to just get myself some breakfast, and act like there was nothing wrong, mostly for housemate's benefit. 

As I was doing breakfast, I heard the shower, and she came into the room later that and took a nap. 

I'm just not sure if I should be worried, as this MAY be her way of trying to tell me in a nice way to give her MORE space, even though I'm giving her space. I guess it's POSSIBLE that she doesn't agree, and instead of arguing with me about it, she's just resorted to a "actions speak louder than words" approach? Could it also be that she feels emotionally disconnected? 

Anyone else run into something like this?

I am waiting to hear back for counselling (yay), and it's free (double yay), but it will be a 6 week wait (bummer). 

[AussieRecharger]

@Anondepressed Whatever you GF is doing is something outside of your control. What you can control is if you trust your GF or not. You also need to be clear about boundaries for both of you. If you notice she wants to spend less and less time with you and you need to start working to have time with her, then I kinda see that as you not respecting her boundaries and I do wonder if you are focused on her too much and not on your own growth.  When I am reading your post, I am worried you may be obsessing about what she is doing and that could lead to a bad outcome for you both. 

What is it she loves about you and are you focusing on making that a part of your relationship? 

What is it she dislikes about you? Are you focusing on putting that into your relationship?

[tyme]

Hey @Anondepressed ,

Thanks for the update. It must be stressful not knowing.

For me, I just to have these anxieties about people. Even if someone was 5 minutes late, I would go into a panic and think they were scheming against me. 

What I learnt over the years is open communication. Have you considered asking her straight out why she clocked off at 4:15 but didn't get home until about 2 hours later even though work is only 15 minutes away? You may get a very reasonable response which can alleviate all fears and anxieties.

What do you think?

Hope you are okay today.

[Anondepressed]

It is!

She's CLEARLY not telling the truth, and USUALLY it's to AVOID me "bitching her out or feeling attacked" (in reality, I'm trying to find a reasonable answer). She used "I was watching the news" last time, so this time, she would probably use "I got fuel on my way home", both of which are very believeable. 

I've learned that if I try to push more, then she's just gonna get more and more defensive and distant. 

I guess if she wants "space", I'll just have to give it to her (even though I HATE it), unless of course SHE actually wants to be around me... at least until counselling starts. I really do think that's gonna help, as neither of us are the best communicator. 

I'm ok now.

[Anondepressed]

I trust her, but I'm also worried that she's just doesn't want to really be bothered anymore. 

I think the ONLY thing that she loves about me is that I really don't care that she grew up as a boy, or that she used to be a street racer.

I believe that if she had looked harder, she would have found a woman that didn't care about that stuff. I believe that's a part of ANY relationship.

I also think that she sees my youthfulness as an opportunity to satisfy her and only her desire to have kids. 

The things that she dislikes is that I'm apparently "too sensitive" and "annoying".

I'm working on that, but there's only so much I can do, and it won't happen overnight. Of course I'm gonna feel unmotivated if she don't do the same for me. She seems to think I'm some sort of saint. In reality, I know I'm different than housemate, and unfortunately that kinda makes me a saint in her eyes...?

The way I see it, she doesn't understand that you can't get everything you want. 

[Jynx]

Hey @Anondepressed I can hear that there's a lot of tensions and uncertainties about your relationship at the moment. It can be a really tough thing to sit with uncertainty, but it does sound like you are focused on recovery so hopefully things will improve once you start seeing your counsellor. Perhaps it could be helpful to try to focus on the things you can control, like your own self-care. 

I hope that you two are able to find better ways to communicate and connect 🤞

[Anondepressed]

Thanks for your concern. I'm curious what people's opinions are...?

Quite a few things have happened between January and now.

We have started counselling, but frankly, I'm not sure that things will work out coz I was the only one trying to make things work, and she never tried. 

I've since stopped trying to connect with her emotionally, as that's what I need.

TW: Sex

Content/trigger warning

She says she needs sex, but she was the one who wasn't gentle with me, especially since she knows how sensitive I am to pain. That felt like she was trying to shock me into feeling normal while subjecting me to incredible amounts of sexual pain. Look, I know that's screwed up on so many levels, which is why I had enough.

I never expected her to behave like a man, and it bothers me so much. I started dating women coz I thought they wouldn't try to use me like males have done. Yes, it could be that coz she has never had a real relationship, and thus doesn't know what it looks like. It could also be that I just don't matter to her coz I won't have pentrative sex with her, or have her kids.

I've told her why I just can't do these things, but she kept pushing and pushing, but finally stopped. She even told the counsellor that penetrative didn't matter, but I know that's the biggest lie she's ever told me. 

I know it's not great for me mentally to keep wondering why she's just not interested anymore, and I'm trying so hard to stop. 

The fact is she wouldn't ever recognise that what she did was wrong and selfish, and as such, I've also withdrawn. 

I guess I've just got to see what the next counselling session brings...?

[tyme]

Hey @Anondepressed ,

It sounds tough to be sitting with all these questions. I know you said you've opened up to her in the past. 

Does she know about your concerns and how you are feeling about the relationship at the moment?

[Anondepressed]

yes, it's tough and really confusing.

Whenever I try to tell her, it always ends up in a screaming match . I've realised she doesn't want someone who isn't afraid to express their feelings, but relationships that last are based on understanding emotions, at the very least.
I've taken to just giving her as much space as possible, but I'm confused if we ARE still in a relationship or not.
She did say "we're done", after she threatened to leave me with no way of getting home, but I'm not sure if that was in anger.
She ended up not doing that, but she left me with the fear and uncertainty of getting a taxi home.

[Jynx]

Aye @Anondepressed I think see how the next session or two goes, and always remember that your own sense of safety comes first. Sounds like there's been some heavy experiences that have left you feeling quite conflicted, and you deserve to be in a relationship where you can trust and feel safe to be open with the other person. 

Feel free to keep us posted.