Lived Experience Forum

[Former-Member]

Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to be 'normal'.

Sometimes I sit on my bed and cry for endless hours, for the loss of my life, and from the never-ending confusion and pain that I have no words to accurately describe.

Sometimes I don't.

Psychology will tell you that it's significantly more unpleasant to have something and lose it, than to simply have never had it in the first place.
I will also tell you that it's true.
You can't deconstruct something you never had, and so the slow disintegration of everything normal in my life, is, and will always be, a reality greater than just a philosophical hypothesis dreamed in my darkest dreams.

In this manner, bipolar seems crueler than depression alone.
Constantly giving you the shining wonders of the world with one hand, only to snatch them away with the other. Over and over.

You'd think a lesson might be learned, but the mind does not want to know or remember these things, and so the wonder is always new, and the crushing disappointment is always a surprise.
Trapped in a mental and emotional time-loop, doomed to replay this hellish melodrama for all of time.

The most exquisite torture.

Hi everyone.
I'm GlassWings, and this is my always.

[Former-Member]

Hi @Former-Member, your a poet! how well you describe the suffering of Bipolar. Feel for you. I have the label of 'depression' but the mood swings are similar to what you describe (though less extreme I guess). Just do your best, that's all you can do, and be kind to you.
WELCOME TO THE FORUMS! 🙂

[Nikolai]

Hi @Former-Member

You have done a brilliant job of capturing bipolar, and putting it into words.

I feel the same, but have only ever been able to describe it as exhausting.

[Ellu]

Dear GlassWings,

You have described bi-polar disorder so well. I, too, have bi-polar. I had my first episode at 15 ( I am 63 now). What does that tell you? - I have had bi-polar for 47 years, and it has dominated most of my life. On the other hand I had a career (recently retired), married and had 4 children who are now in their 20's. How could I manage this? I am no superwoman, and I have surfed the highs and lows and sat crying on my bed for hours too. From my own exoerience it is possible to have bi-polar and share in the positives of life.

The most important thing to do is draw a line between your illness and You. There is a You called GlassWings built up from your childhood experiences and education and friendships and relations with family. You are what is at your core. You are not your illness - that attacks you periodically but deep inside there is still a You who lives and breathes and continues throughout the storm. Sometimes I have been depressed and hopeless and cried, but I try to tell myself "This is the Illness talking, all I have to do is wait it out and then my SELF will emerge again". Easier said than done, I admit. But try to hang on to those things inside you which you know are real and valuable and view your illness not as You but as something from without which you sometimes have to cope with.

Are you seeing a health professional? If not, ask your GP to refer you to a psychiatrist.Medication for bi-polar disorder is tricky, but a professional can help and it is possible to get on a regime of medication which works.

GlassWings, there is no such thing as "normal". We are all different, many many of those "normal" people you refer to are walking around with their own problems and difficulties.. Bi-polar disorder can be brought under control. I am not trivializing it, it is a horrible illness, but I am living proof that it is possible to live with it and lead a productive life.

Ellu

[PurpleFlowers]

Beautifully said, thank you 🙂

[Former-Member]

Hi all, thanks for the kind words.

@Ellu I gave up regular normal a long time ago, hence the inverted commas.

If it's not impolitic to ask, maybe I enquire ( on average) how often you cycle, and if you have co-morbid afflictions?

Apologies for the negative first post, and doubtless posts to come...

Sometimes I fail hold everything in, and there seems so very much, and my glass wings break.

Regretfully, it seems I'm only human after all.

[Former-Member]

hello glasswings

love the name - a special dream of mine has been to fly with invisible wings. i do this sometimes when i am coming out the other end of my symptoms of major depression  which has been with me on and off since i was a young girl.

I also suffer symptoms of major anxiety frequently.

The two become a merrygoround.

I am not attempting to marginalise your feelings just voicing what someone has already mentioned. We all who suffer, have extremes and variances of ourselves not others.

In my world there is no such thing as normal. It did take me a while to get to where I am now. I do know now that I am who I am and cannot be compared to anyone which is what the word normal infers.

Hope that helps a little.

You have found a safe and supportive nest here. Welcome and rest those beautiful glass wings.

[Arjay]

Just a random thought that came to me.  I agree, really what is normal?  Every now and again I do see it, it's in the mirror as I flash past.  🙂

[Kurra]

Hi @Ellu
I've had a similar story to yours. Bipolar from 4.5 or so and now 66. In the last 12 months or so I've been a completely different person. There's no longer any signs of bipolar.
I still take meds and will do fo the remainder of my life willingly. 🎶💕

[Kurra]

@Former-Member
It's a delight to have you join us of the forums. Thank you for your contributions.
I'll write more soon as I've just been admitted to hospital for a non MI related issue.
Take care 🎶 💕