Lived Experience Forum

[Kinglear]

Hi, I'm 55, male, divorced, 2 kids.

I've struggled with anxiety since I could remember. I grew up in a household where there was often intense psychological abuse and occasional violence. My very earliest memory of my father was abject terror. My mother was not mentally well and she lashed out at the kids often. It was very rare for her to say anything positive. I was bullied at school, I was a small kid with low self esteem.

My marriage ended in a nasty betrayal, which has caused me enormous grief in the last decade. I did my best to be a good husband and father, but it was never good enough. I still have a great relatiinship with my youngest daughter but my eldest daughter 14 hasn't spoken to me in about 8 mths.

I gave my wife and kids the best of me, and improved as a person along the way. I made my fair share of mistakes and know that I caused damage to other people at times. It breaks my heart that at times when the kids pushed my buttons I lashed out too, often it was probably due to tensions with the ex. But I was acutely aware of the damage I could cause if I didn't break the cycles of behaviour. My sister is of the opinion that I rode my eldest pretty hard at times, it's true to a degree, but no less than her mother.

I was the stay at home Dad, long days, I struggled with this unrelenting task and told my ex as much but never felt supported. I looked after my mother during her slow death from cancer at the same time. On my 46 birthday I found my wife's diary detailing her affair with a close friend. I tried to stay for the sake of the kids but I felt the conflict between the adults was affecting them. I was running a part time business at the time too.

So I moved out and, then my ex made it difficult for me to see the kids a lot of the time. she was shacked up again within 3 mths. Turns out she is cruel and sadistic. She didn't love people as much as what they could do for her. After the separation she planted herself in the middle of my siblings. They would have family parties and I would find out from the kids. This put me into abject isolation, especially during the pandemic when I was stuck at home for arohnd 220 work days with no inco.e apart from disaster payments etc.

I needed familiar people to talk to but they were all having parties with my ex. It has taken me 4 yrs to get my siblings to understand my need for a family connection. They are starting to understand my situation. My ex is charming, clever and manipulative, but my sister is starting to see through this now.

All this is complicated by poor working memory. It takes me longer to commit information to memory so I procrastinate for fear of forgetting important stuff.

I'm educated, enjoy history, science etc, I want to live a good life and be loved for who I am. I have found cannabis very effective at regulating my moods and treating anxious feelings. I'm grateful for it and it has become culturally significant in my life, but feel like it's a bandaid measure. It offers relief but no strategy for improvement moving forward. 

I've lived alone nearly 4 yrs and I'm comfortable with it. But I go days at a time without leaving the house or talking to another person. I can't see my way into another relationship from here, even though I would treasure the opportunity.

I have a lot of room for improvement and a lot to offer.

This is my status quo.

Thank you for reading.

[Jynx]

Hey @Kinglear welcome and thanks for sharing. It sounds like you've been through a LOT, with some very difficult and tumultuous relationships to navigate. I can also see that you're determined to break those cycles and to heal and grow, and that is definitely worthy of admiration. 

I can understand why it's easier to be isolated at the moment, especially after having your trust broken in some of your closest relationships. I imagine that's part of why you're here on the forums, looking to connect to people yeah? We have some Tips & Tricks here, and within that post are links to a few different forums threads, some social and some more support oriented, so it might be a good way to start. The team are also here if ever you've got a query or need someone to sit n listen. I hope you find what you're looking for here 💜

[Kinglear]

Thank you for your message Jynx

[Jynx]

My pleasure @Kinglear. I've sent you an email too, keep an eye out for it 😉

Also if ever you want someone on the forums to be notified that you've responded, you can use the @ symbol and choose their name from the drop down so it shows up in blue. 

[Kinglear]

I've already replied to your email @Jynx 

Cheers 🙂

[Jynx]

Oh how odd @Kinglear I haven't gotten it yet! I'll keep an eye out though. Thanks 😊

[Jasper_123]

Hi @Kinglear , 

This is quite the story of courage, growth and self acknowledgement. I'm sorry for what your ex did to you and the hurt that caused you. There is nothing worse than reaching out for help and nobody believing you. As well as this having your children kept from you. Has your older daughter told you why she isn't speaking to you? I didn't speak to my Father for a year when I was around that age but it was after he physically assaulted my younger brother. 

I think my suggestion would be finding a way to join your community in order to meet new people. What are your interests? Are there any mens sheds in your area? Workshops? Social sports groups?