To discipline or not for breaking things

[Goldlining]

My daughter breaks things when she is angry this month she has damaged more than 1000$ of property - what should I do?

[hanami]

Hi @Goldlining 

Sorry to hear things are tough with your daughter right now. I'm thinking it must be really hard on you. Does she have a mental health diagnosis? A good first step is to reach out to your GP if she doesn't. They can give you referrals to other experts and services too.

If you feel comfortable, it would be great if you could share a little more information about your situation so we can help guide you in the direction of correct supports.

Warmest wishes

Hanami

[Appleblossom]

@Goldlining A lot would depend on her age and the general context.  I have overlooked 3 small breakages, which occurred over many years and were small in the broad scheme of things.

[Goldlining]

She broke her phone our home phone her laptop the plaster wall they keyboard the kettle the bedroom door 

she is 15

i asked her to get ready for school and she was wanting to stay in bed

i suggested if she couldn’t get up she might miss out on something on the weekend

[Goldlining]

She doesn’t have a diagnosis 

she says very hurtful things she self harms she hurts people and she breaks things when she is angry 

this last month she broke her phone our home phone her laptop the plaster wall they keyboard the kettle the bedroom door 

she is 15

i asked her to get ready for school and she was wanting to stay in bed

i suggested if she couldn’t get up she might miss out on something on the weekend

she lost it

[Appleblossom]

Definitely removing privileges, but no active disciplining, while you get to the bottom of school refusing. and self harming. @GoldliningJust my sense of it.  Get advice and I hope the school can offer counselling for your daughter.  Take Care of you too.  Not easy.

[wellwellwellnez]

Hi @Goldlining . I used to do that. Sometimes based on rage and sometimes just based on playing irresponsibly. Two anecdotal hot tips coming up.

Reflecting on my experiences I think the best discipline revolves around the actual value. I broke a window at school once (that time was an accident but I was being the main hooligan in the equation). This was a long time ago but, we worked out some sort of a arrangement where I paid off a percentage of the cost. Some, because I was the most culpable, but not all because I was just a silly little kid (and the other kids pretty much got away with their involvement). It felt like a "restorative justice" experience. I was able to feel worthy as well as humbled.

The hottest of the tips is this. Rage re-directioning, starting with what I'm calling the 2-3 second challenge. The ability to suspend and redirect a destructive impulse is a game changer. Once you learn to hang on for the first few seconds, you get a whole few seconds of harm minimization. You can save a lot of damage with a few seconds because there's usually something less destructible or more expendable around. Also, sometimes a few seconds is enough to switch from breaking mode to running/crying/yelling mode (also fine redirects).

[Goldlining]

Thanks. How do you teach someone the 2-3 second thing?

[Goldlining]

Thanks. How do you teach someone the 2-3 second thing?

[Goldlining]

more details : she is 15  she 

get angry easy, she doesn't have a diagnosis, someone suggested BPD.. we are waiting to see a psychiatrist, no appointment for mohts, she has hurt her elf, others, she has overdoesd, when she gets angry  She breaks things, this week she broke her phone our home phone her laptop the plaster wall the keyboard the kettle the bedroom door 

she is 15

i asked her to get ready for school and she was wanting to stay in bed

i suggested if she couldn’t get up she might miss out on something on the weekend