Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[PeppyPatti]

• G'day it's been years since iv been here but iv come back because of the wonderful support. I'v had many years of therapy for support of having a major head injury and having a bpd + narcsassistic mum and after many years this happened.  Yesterday Iwas so annoyed I wrote a letter to mum : she's 81 which I felt was a very open-hearted letter - andi was shot down in flames. I was so horrified I immediately wrote back and it was quite nasty so I apologised - I'm good with no contact but - why is this so tough ?? 

[tyme]

Hey @PeppyPatti ,

Sorry to hear what happened. It must have been hard to receive that response after writing an open letter to her.

I hear that your mother's behaviour was probably fuelled by emotion, and hence this affected how you reacted also? Is that fair to say?

As a borderline myself, I know that emotions can make things come out in a more harmful way than intended. 

As someone with BPD, I really struggled with regulating my emotions and came out quite beastly at times - I regretted it later of course.

What would you like to do in terms of your relationship with your mother?

[PeppyPatti]

Hey @tyme 

Im so impressed with your empathy, thank you. The thing about Mum is that she actually gets angry at me, I know this from my brothers. She makes out to others she is practically dying from sadness, bereft and swooned down with upsetness - as she did with her friends nearby and her GP but she gets angry at me. 

I sent the letter to my therapist first who thought it was compassionate and empathetic but tough in what her behaviour has been to me. 

I re-read your message thinking that I'm just wanting her to own up, move on and be aware that she is treating my youngest son in bad ways but we can both work together to stop this. 

Today she cut me off and wrote to my partner who is trying to be caring to me (Thanks sweetheart) at how masty and horrible I am. 

You see, she has been diagnosed by my Step Father and my PSychotherapist but she is

blind. 

A  81-year-old.  

[tyme]

So true @PeppyPatti ,

Emotionally - a child. That's EXACTLY how I felt. 

I was an emotional child trapped in an adult's body.

One thing that is good to know is that once I emotionally 'grew up', I never turned back. However, I can only speak to the BPD, not the narcissistic traits.

Do what's right for you and your family. It took me to be cut off from family and friends before I finally realised the issue lay with me. It was essentially MY fault. 

I'm not sure how you'd be able to tell an 81 yr old that. 

1) Strike while the iron is hot. 

2) Set your boundaries and stick with them. 

3) Protect yourself.

These are the three key things.

[PeppyPatti]

@Yeah @tyme my therapist just wrote to me ( I have seen her for over 29 years ) she just wrote that this is the way with bpd mother's.

With narcsassism - elements of something else - Im a bit not thinking properly. I listen to James Doty's 'into The Magic Shop' pretty much every day.

Since i' ve gotten NDIS for about 3 years now. My life has gotten a lot better but I haven't been able to sew my quilts lately

Thank you incredibly much for your care.

My therapist asked me if I felt anything and I wrote I have no regrets and if I needed to reply to her with that very nasty message - there is nothing I can do. I did write two messages apologising but naturally, that is forgotten.