Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[Shaz51]

hello @Spirit1 

[outlander]

of course its ok to care for yourself when looking after others! as much as we love them we still need to care for ourselves even the basics like personal hygiene, sleep, some time to rest or to have a cuppa tea. if we don't then we burn out

[Adge]

This is difficult to describe...

It's my Mum (now 76), who has always had my siblings & I "treading on eggshells" (trying not to crack eggs) - around her unpredictable moods & reactions.

My Mum has had very high anxiety for her entire life - yet she mostly denies that she could benefit from help with that, or that she could change.

Mum's anxiety is everyone else's fault - they caused it, according to her. When actually we didin't cause Mum's anxiety, we were just trying to help.

Mum wants to "offload emotionally" on the telephone (with me) every phone call - for over 1 hour to 1 & 1/2 hours.

I live interstate, yet it is extremely difficult to maintain healthy boundaries with my Mum - even over the telephone, at a great distance.

Adge

[Daphne]

@Shaz51 that is a common experience too. Your own life can be put on hold and friends drift away. I am sorry you have had this experience. It is however important to try and prioritise your own needs, even if that means just doing something small for yourself each day.

[Teej]

Hi @light87 👋🏻 and welcome to the forums 😊

i think it is an interesting question @Lauz between caring and rescuing. I have had the natural inclination to rescue. I tried to rescue my ex and micro managed him to both our detriments. He never had the real intention of working on himself. I enabled him to not take responsibility for his mental health. 

Sorry started this message ages ages ago but received a phone call. 

[Lauz]

I like the idea of the pros and cons list @Shaz51 with Mr shaz 👏

[Daphne]

@Adge I'm sure that experience of walking on egg shells is familiar to others. It's so important to seperate what's your angst and what's in your situation your mum's. I'm glad you raised boundaries. It's important to develop self awareness and know what triggers you. it's not alway best to be confrontational but just make some internal adjustments for yourself. So if you know that you are going to be triggered from a conversation or you need to have a break from chatting on the phone, turn your phone off for a while...if your comfortable doing that.

[Shaz51]

trying hard to find a good balance @Daphne , @Lauz 

I think the biggest hurdle is i can not drive and i have physical problems

I try each day to do a small self care for myself after looking after mr shaz , my mum

and being self employed too

[Daphne]

That's great insight @Teej that you could develop that self -awareness. What enabled you to see what you were doing?

[Former-Member]

Thanks @Shaz and @Daphne. It can be really hard to not do something when you also bear consequences of actions or lack of action. About organising boundaries. An ongoing challenge I think.