Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[Tiredandbroken]

Thank you for the referral information. 

To be honest, I am terrified of telling him. I tried a couple of tears ago and he emotionally manipulated me by saying he would ‘die alone’ if we separated. 

Our situation is also very complicated. We have a child in a wheelchair and our house has been modified through NDIS to make it easier for him. If we separate we have to sell the house and I can’t sell the house because of my son. I don’t think I would be able to afford to buy my husband out. 

To be really honest, I’m in a really bad headspace at the moment. I literally do not know what to do. 

[Tiredandbroken]

@Jo-anneJoy @Thank you for the information. I will have a look. 

[tyme]

I'm hearing you @Tiredandbroken . 

I hear that on top of that, you have to consider the needs of your son and that he needs ongoing support. 

I think Family Relationships Advice Line is a good start just to see what your options are. They may be able to then link you up with other services. This is a free advice line. https://www.familyrelationships.gov.au/talk-someone/advice-line

Sometimes, there may be more room for movement than we first realise. 

Perhaps you can note down a few things you want to ask them and see what options you have.

Please know you are not alone.

[Tiredandbroken]

I am feeling so down tonight. 
I cannot see any escape from this. 
Husband refuses to see how miserable I am. 
I’ve barely spoken to him since his latest meltdown a couple of weeks ago and he continues to act like all is fine with us. 

We are SO not fine. We sleep in separate rooms. We haven’t had sex for at least 3 years. I do not touch him, or say I love him. 
How can he not see? How can he think this is ok? 

How can he think that all his raging and abuse over the years hasn’t changed how I feel about him?
How can he be happy living this way? 
Because I’m not.. I need more, I want more, just not with him. I feel so trapped, and there is no escape. 

How can I leave when he seems to have no idea? 
How do I even start the conversation? 
I’m scared and miserable and honestly don’t know what to do. 

[GardensHeart]

Hi @Tiredandbroken ,

It sounds like you are really suffering in this situation/relationship...

Have you tried the service Tyme mentioned above? 

[Tiredandbroken]

@GardensHeart 

Yes, I have been accepted for free counselling, just waiting for them to be organised. 

[Jasper_123]

Hello @Tiredandbroken ,

I'm sorry to hear about the hardship you have experienced in your long relationship with your husband. Do you have other reasons to suspect BPD? Anger is only one of nine diagnostic criteria - He could also have other conditions like anger issues or narcissistic personality disorder (this also has somewhat of a victim complex and anger) What was the start of your relationship like? 

Has he ever attended anything for his mental health? How do you manage your own?

[Tiredandbroken]

@Jasper_123  Thank you for your reply. 

I did initially suspect Intermittent Explosive Disorder and have also questioned ASD as it’s in his family and one of our children has been diagnosed with it. 
He’s very isolated socially and depends on me largely for his social life. He also has a very poor image of himself. I guess because of the rage/splitting episodes. 

The start of the relationship seemed ‘normal’ at the time, but looking back I can see some red flags. He told me he loved me within a couple of weeks, wanted me to move in a lot sooner than I did. I remember going out with my best friend and her partner for the first time and she told me she was annoyed because he basically kept his arm around me the whole night and it seemed possessive. 
He’s also very patronising and condescending. He’s work in a hospital and if anyone in my household has Covid I need to wear a mask for a week. He gets angry at me every time I say we need to test if someone is sick, says no one cares about Covid anymore and he doesn’t care about my work. 

He saw a psychologist once when I told him he needed to do something about his anger issues. Never went back and the anger/meltdowns continue along with the entitlement that we should all just roll with it. 

I am about to start the guided journey with SANE. I try and keep myself busy, treating myself to breakfast, walking the dogs, the pool and the beach in summer. But I have to admit it’s getting harder to manage. I am constantly thinking about my marriage and how miserable I am. The negativity is getting harder to ignore. 

[Tiredandbroken]

Sorry, I meant I work in a hospital, not him.