Lived Experience Forum

[BraveHeart7]

Really struggling with emotions after needing to cut off all contact with family for physical and mental safety due to malignant narcissist mother and her previous attempt to end my life. Feeling so much grief, have a psychiatrist but am not able to see her that often who’s supported me and highly encouraged no contact for my safety but it’s got to the stage I have needed to cut off my entire family and extended family and feeling so hurt and angry and broken. Trying to hold onto truths and move on with life with trying to trust myself again and live without fear 

[tyme]

Hey @BraveHeart7 ,

I'm sorry to hear that things are so hard right now. You certainly deserve to feel safe in life. I recognise it must have been so hard to have faced such challenges and grief, and I'm thinking it must feel so lonely at times.

Connection is so important. When I was going through the darkest times with my MH, I didn't have family or friends to turn to. Instead, I used this very forum to keep me connected to society and feel a little less alone.

Over time, I gained the courage to practice the skills I learnt here, out in the real world.

Also, prevention and recovery centres where I could connect with other people going through their own MH struggles was really helpful.

Have you heard of SANE's Guided Service? I wonder if you would be interested and eligible for the service? You can have a look here. It is free of cost and runs for about 14 weeks. https://www.sane.org/referral

We look forward to hearing from you!

[NatureLover]

Welcome, @BraveHeart7  🙂

That is a huge step you've taken for your wellbeing. Well done. 

It's hard to rebuild from a place of brokenness...I've done it, and now my life is better than before. But it takes a while. 

Does your psychiatrist do talk therapy? Wondering if you have a counsellor to help you through this...

An important forum tip is if you type @ and then click on a name in the drop-down box, that person will get a notification and won't miss your reply.

I hope you find the forums supportive...

[8ppleTree]

Hi @BraveHeart7 

Welcome to the forums. I hope the connections you form here can support you in your recovery journey. 

Having that experience of betrayal by family, the people who are biologically and emotionally supposed to protect and care for us is just unfathomable. I'm sorry you are going through that, trying to make sense of horrible things. Holding onto your truth and protecting yourself is such a strong move. Even though it can feel awful because it comes with the loss of connection to the family. There's light at the end of the tunnel. Hold onto all your best parts. Affirmations when you look in the mirror, let your friends comfort you, and know that you walked away for a reason. Your truth, your strength is worth holding onto. Your boundaries are yours, and you may open or shift them as you feel safe to do so, but that is your choice. 

Do you journal? I do. Sometimes writing it down and getting it out is so helpful. It doesn't have to be about being right, or perfect, correct, true, etc. It's about getting the feelings out, maybe looking for patterns so you can learn who you really are, without other people's stories clouding your vision. You can free form your life a little 🙂

Hope to see you around the forums more. Take Care! 🩷

[tyme]

Hey @BraveHeart7 ,

I just reading your post again and wanted to check in to see how you are going tonight. 

I recognise loneliness can really creep in sometimes so I want you to know that we are here for you.

[BraveHeart7]

@NatureLover I see my psychiatrist tomorrow she listens to me and continues to confirm that it isn’t me and it is her and now my sister also who’s developed this narcissist delusional mindset that is not reality but a adaptation they will hold onto for the rest of there lives. Its become extremely dangerous to my mental health and could become physically dangerous on me even with me returning all financial and material possessions that my mother used as forms of control over me and with needing to not just go “no contact” with her but the entire family. Since then she has tried other methods to gain information by locking her Facebook and getting a old support worker for my disabled adult son to message him to meet up as her information source and so she has knowledge of our lives and can abuse me secretly. I am aware that she had kept not only this old support worker on her Facebook that I fired due to his lack of care for my son and not making me aware he accidentally shut the car door on my sons fingers but she also had chose to keep my highly abusive ex husband also on her Facebook and I am sure now that her malignant narcissist personality has been revealed with many facts and proofs and my full explaination of her answers she would give to that abuse like deny, blame shifting, changing topics or claiming not to remember she now will not stop till she ends me. I’ve become a enemy she wishes to end my life or make sure she continues to abuse me to make sure my life is never peaceful and she’s gone to the levels of adding allies to do it. I hope my therapist can help me to know the ways I can protect myself from this and perhaps write a letter that will help me and my son move location 

[BraveHeart7]

@tyme @Sorry for the late reply I am new to this site and also had a lot going on in my mind and honestly for me it’s not at all about feeling lonely but it has everything to do with not feeling safe due to the levels of malignant narcissist mind games that my mother has continued to go to even after I returned financial and material possessions and went no contact with my entire family. She’s now using others to try to gain access to information about who is in my life, where I’m living and what I am doing. She is now 80 years old and refuses to stop trying to target me and regain what all narcissists want which is the need to feel more intelligent and superior and she misses her scapegoat (me) but not due to any love loss at all but because she needed me to continue to cover up her psychotic behaviours that has remained hidden for the last 46 years. I see my psychiatrist tomorrow in hope she can give me advise how I can protect myself and hopefully write me a letter to change the location of mine and my disabled 26year old sons home of living 

[BraveHeart7]

@8ppleTree @I’m actually in the process of trying to write a book. Before I learnt of my mothers malignant narcissist personality I was in a 2 year relationship with a narcissist man who I was programmed to be heavily reliant on who discarded me without warning which educated me on narcissism and after 46 years and finally a undiagnosed adhd diagnosis and the correct medication I gained my cognitive abilities I never had due to my mother labeling me as rebellious and having nothing wrong with my cognitive abilities to the high school that witnessed my cognitive struggle. I had planned to write a book of poetry which I used to be very good at and planned to make the book poetry based but also about my failed attempts at romantic relationships with me putting spouses on a pedestal and viewing them as someone deserving of love when they were abusing me. Now I am hoping since I have this usually unhelpful self sacrificing schema to use that trait to become not just a positiive way by writing my book on narcissist personality disorder and try heal from the life being abuse with it but also my poetry and how I was conditioned in such a way I was attracting the same abusive spouses due to not being educated on npd and the methods the npd mother silenced me to try help benefit others suffering or hopefully to educate others hoping to prevent anyone else needing to go through it 

[PizzaMondo]

Oh @BraveHeart7 - thank you for sharing a little about your creative endeavours with us. Your post directly speaks to me!

I think it's so important to share your story so I encourage you to keep writing! I was late diagnosed ADHD too and have been sifting through and also identifying at how much of a magnet I have been to those displaying narcissistic traits. I hope in time your love and drive for poetry returns, I am excited to hear about your journey on developing this book that will be so important for many of us who are recovering from NPD abuse - if and when you are ready to share with the world ❤️

P.S. If you're a reader yourself, I shared a book recently related to NPD/recovery on this thread - I love Dr. Ramani's videos on Youtube and this (second book in post) is her most recent! https://saneforums.org/t5/Social-Spaces/Books-that-changed-or-helped-us/m-p/1508110#M382075

[NatureLover]

@BraveHeart7  I'm glad your psychiatrist seems to do talk therapy and validates you 👍 

Good luck with your appt today - I hope you can get a letter.