The messiest situation possible. Of course.

[JustWhelmed]

****CW - mention of self harm/intention to end their life

Not sure if you can see what I've posted previously but in a nutshell; I'm separating from my partner of 8 years due to my own health concerns from the stress of keeping them alive for 8 years. They have CPTSD, AuDHD, most likely borderline personality disorder, and two neurodivergent kids with a super toxic, manipulative biological mother. My partner is basically unable to parent their two teens, and I've picked up all the slack for both their parents. I am exhausted. This post would be days long if I detailed all the chaos. I love them as a person but I've been diagnosed with PTSD from all of this and I need to get out for my health.

I ended it Friday. They did not take it well, which is understandable. An hour later they posted online that they were planning to voluntarily euthanize themselves. Told me they would tell our kids that as well so they would know what to expect. 

That obviously blew up the internet and they have since said they regret saying anything online :face_with_rolling_eyes: (no impulse control, very reactive when sad or hurt). 

We will have to live together for 3-12 months til we figure out our property/separate lives.

They were already in the midst of applying for total disability payout as they have a severe work injury, and accessing their super so we could pay out mortgage.

They've since said they won't end their life but need to figure out how to co parent with their ex, sort out all these payments so we can both start afresh in our own homes/separately.

Except last night they said I need to meet their ex (this hasn't happened in 8 years together because she is toxic, manipulative and cruel and I don't want her in my life). I said why??? I don't need to co-parent with them, it's a hard no.

turns out my partner is actually STILL planning to end their life still, and wants me in their son's life to hopefully temper their mothers toxicity/chaos. A) it won't, she will still be her usual toxic self and b) I'm not sure I want to watch her destroy them and be powerless to help.

I don't really know what to even do with this information. I want nothing to do with their ex, although I do want the kids safe.

I have spent 8 years keeping my partner from ending their life, and I am DONE with that responsibility. Hospitalisation won't help. She has all the therapies and support and networks you can have and is still just absolutely done with life. We have done every thing.

And now we have to live together while she flip flops between saying she will end her life, then later vaguely saying things like she won't.

I don't have family I can take myself and my kids to. I can't get a rental (no rental history, can't afford it, also have 2 beloved dogs), so I can't escape this relentless upheaval.

I want them to live, I really do, but I also understand why they are "done".

I have counselling organised, I'm in no danger from myself or them, but I don't even know how to start with boundaries and what I need to know vs what can I stay oblivious to 

[Honeymoon]

Hi @JustWhelmed ,

This sounds like such an incredibly complex and exhausting situation to be navigating, especially whilst trying to balance concern for your partner, the kids, your own wellbeing, and so many practical pressures all at once. It makes total sense to me that you're feeling overwhelmed and unsure of where to even begin with boundaries.

I'm really glad to hear you have counselling organised. It may also help to reach out to a GP or a trusted friend or support person so you're not carrying all of this alone between those sessions.

If you'd find it helpful, you're also welcome to let us know if you'd like us to email you some additional support numbers.

We're sitting with you, and you're never alone💙

~ @Honeymoon  

[WretchedKid]

Hey, @JustWhelmed. As you know, I've been following your situation, and I won't deny feeling a spike of indignation for you reading how things have progressed since. I know that kind of emotion won't help peaceably move you forward, however, but I thought you should know your struggle rouses my empathy.

The impact of such "threats", for want of a better term, are truly profound. We often centre focus on the person who is planning - as they ought to be taken seriously - but I want to appreciate the harm (usually in more ways than one) it can have on you and how equally serious that is. Especially at your mention of developing PTSD, this is not a matter to be taken lightly on your account.

I don't believe a "rental history" is needed to get you off the ground; usually a personal reference of how well you keep your home suffices in these matters. But now I feel you would be doing yourself a disservice not to separate sooner. Your partner's "ideas" are likely going to negatively contribute to your PTSD and you don't deserve to suffer further expense to your health. Nor should your children be exposed to these careless "plans". There is a true risk of their developing trauma.

Can you speak to any professionals privately (even the counsellor you mentioned) about avenues for separation?

Regarding boundaries, that depends upon what you are hoping will change in your current dynamic, if you don't mind giving us more clarity? I think, however, physically separating is an important foundational step, if possible.

You can also focus inward on your own boundaries with yourself, as it's something in your control while the rest might presently feel out of control. Are you still "rescuing" them? Are you managing their health? Are you slipping into old habits?

Changing from an enmeshed dynamic into an empowered one is a difficult transition, and it counts to be honest with yourself here. Ensure you are consistent with your values and honouring your needs, to minimise the toll being taken so you can protect your health. I can already see you are setting boundaries in some way and this is fantastic progress! I'm proud of you.

I would also like to caution you remember that those who say one thing and then another may be trying to control outcomes. I don't personally know your partner and don't wish to insinuate against them, but I would be wary of any manipulation happening here.

Can I also check in and see how you're doing at the moment?

[JustWhelmed]

Thanks @WretchedKid & @Honeymoon I appreciate your comments and support.

I have counselling this afternoon, where I will talk to my counsellor about where things are at. She has been good at helping me find clarity so far!

I want boundaries in place around what my partner tells me in terms of what I NEED to know (i.e. they have taken action to help our financial situation, updating something around the home as they are unemployed, recently medicated for their ADHD so FINALLY able to do some things around our home) vs untangling the many years of dependency on me. I think that's answered my own question to be honest! need to know vs them just telling me every single thought they have. I'm doing OK at not trying to solve their issues, making a conscious choice to focus on my own problems when I find myself ruminating on theirs.

THey have now explained/rationalised that their first reaction to anything hard is to end their life, and that they don't plan to do so in this situation. Which is good to hear, BUT they also keep saying "we will see where we are at in 6-12 months when I've found my feet", when I have said there is NO hope for us. So as soon as we can manage it financially, we absolutely HAVE to separate physically. It is just dependent on some lump sum payments we are expecting unfortunately.

I am doing pretty well in myself. Still working. Still parenting. Still doing things I enjoy. Just incredibly anxious and impatient for this to be over. My ex keeps reminding me that I have already grieved this relationship and moved on (mentally, I'm not dating haha) and they need time to get there too.

[WretchedKid]

@JustWhelmed- Ah, I see... So you were hoping to get some distance from the covert dependency as well...

You sound to be on top of that, but if you wanted my suggestion, anything which makes you feel responsible or burdened is usually a good indicator that what they're sharing is tipping back into dependency, rather than being merely informative. Maybe you could consider in the moment whether this is the case to help you identify when to set the boundary or detach.

Hmm... Look, I'm biased because, as I've previously stated, enmeshment is familiar territory for me. But assuring they won't do anything and following up with keeping potential open despite your firm boundary, to me, sounds like behaviour I'd be wary of. Could be something you discuss with the psych for better direction.

It's really good to hear you are keeping on top of things despite all that's transpired. Don't forget to get some downtime to recharge, as I can only imagine this situation may be taxing.