Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[DeeElysia]

@Demi please give me more insight into your story. I need as much input advise to know what to do. I never thought at 26 I'd be going through this. Adding a 4yr old in the mix

[Demi]

DeeElysia I really feel for you and I totally understand that you are at your wits end. There are so many frustrations and uncertainties that come with your husband's illness. Nevertheless, as you said, it gets to the point where you can no longer live that way.

Further to my story:

First ITO - Behaviours leading up to this included frustrations with his job, not getting a promotion that he believed he deserved, starting to talk of political interference, making appointments to see politicians, believing election results were because of him, believing newspaper articles, headlines, TV news reports being aimed at him, football results fixed to get at him, believing he was actually the real father of a famous footballer, unable to speak to others in social situations ... He also believed that I knew what was going,on and was just refusing to tell him. Suggesting medical help was like a red rag to a bull. His boss arranged for him to see a psychiatrist which he did but that went nowhere. Diagnosed with Delusional Disorder. Tried medication which totally zonked him out so he stopped. Psychiatrist stopped seeing him because he could not be of any help  as delusions were too fixed. At our daughter's 12th birthday he sat outside and drank a bottle of red wine (very unchacteristic), got up at 4am and told me he was going to fix things and took off in our car. (By this time we were sleeping in separate rooms and he was hardly sleeping. He had also resigned from his job so was unemployed.)

The next morning I got my daughter off to school and went to work myself. I had no idea what to do. No-one else really knew what was going on. I had worked hard to hide it for the sake of my children having to live in the community. I finally told my boss at work who had had experience with mental illness. He took me to the GP who then took me to the court house where I had to fill in a form, writing down my concerns for my husband, not really sure what he was going to do. This was very hard as I didn't really think my husband deserved to be "arrested" but it was then put in the hands of the police. The police caught up with him and he was taken in for a psychological assessment. The result of that was that he was admitted to a mental health ward and was in there for about 6 weeks. He received medication through injections. After that he came back home with medication to take. Shortly after I decided to move to be closer to his family in order to get some support / help close by.

Do you have family support?

[Demi]

Second ITO: After moving my husband applied for a job and got it. It did not last long. He stopped his medication and eventually accused his boss of being out to get him. He thought he had a tracking device inserted in his arm and teeth, he believed our house was bugged. His anger increased to the point he smashed the windscreen of our car and I called the police. He ended up in a mental health unit again. He had to continue with injections as a condition of the ITO. This lasted for about 12 months. The ITO was lifted. He stopped taking his medication again. We moved again, to a rural property in an effort to provide him with something to do in his day.

The frustrations for me at that time that even with the high profile of depression and anxiety and to a lesser extent schizophrenia, there was very little understanding of delusional disorder. I went to support groups, rang help lines saw a psychologist but I could not come to terms with what our life had become, still trying to protect my family, including my mother who now lived with us and trying not to upset my husband. His illness was the basis for every decision I was making.

Third ITO: With no medication behaviours started again, accusing my mother of things, my father of things and me of poisoning him. I had had enough. I left. I put my mum into care. My children had all finished school so they were no longer living at home. I contacted a brother of my husband and told him. I was not going to invoke another ITO so he did. Once again he was admitted to a mental health ward. When he was released he went to live with another brother until that option ran its course and now he is back living in our home. He continues to get injections as he knows he will not take it if left up to him. Apparently he has some insight into his illness now but I have not discussed this with him as the memories of previous efforts to do this are still raw with me. The medication has significant side effects so his day is mainly spent in bed. He initiates nothing and will only go anywhere if suggested by someone else. So while life is not perfect, he is easier to live with. Our relationship is more like friends and to me we are still separated and I go about my life more independently now. However I do not have a little four year old.

A psychiatrist once said to me, "If I was sick, I would want to know that someone would look after me" so going down the ITO road was the right thing to do. It would have been much better if if my husband had accepted his illness and accepted help but that was never going to happen.There had to be a straw that broke the camels back. A time when enough is enough.

I am not sure if leaving earlier would have been a better option but if I had done that I am not sure what my husband would have done. The illness has really affected our family but the kids are starting their own lives. Their relationship with their father has really been affected and the boys especially struggle with that.

If I could go back, I would go to my GP earlier and get other family members involved earlier so I didn't have to deal with it all on my own, so I had other people to help with my decisions.

[Former-Member]

@DeeElysia
An ITO us an involuntary treatment order.
Each state has their own, information is readily available on the internet.

[DeeElysia]

@Demi wow!!! Reading your story, one I'm thinking how the hell did you do it??
Two, there's just so much similarities to mine.
The part of cameras in the house, thinking I know the truth, government involvment, issues at work, no promotion.. Etc thats all my husband right there!! Its hard to accept because he seems normal some days.. I try and stay out of my husbands way. I get annoyed easily now when he's saying something "crazy". So now I just walk away have a bath or tune out. It makes me upset I want a "normal" relationship!
So your husband didnt have a history of mental illness before that first ITO was made? How old were your kids when it happened?

I have a psychologist .. As for support I talk mostly to mum. She's not really sure what to say anymore. Most days she cries feeling heartbroken for my situation.. His family stepped back when it first happened, they didnt want to be involved some called him a "skitzo stuff up".. His mum and I had a massive argument just before while it happened first time. He was saying for the hudredeth time that I knew the truth that I was signalling outsiders .. I had enough argument broke out between hubby and I , I decided to leave him (living with my inlaws at the time) packed my bags , called mum (was living an hr away) grabbed our daughter and my mother inlaw shoved me, pushed me and grabbed my daughter from me saying I can't take her.
Police were called , I got my daughter and left. Thats when my hubby stayed at his brothers when I left him as his mum was over everything. While not being with him that week , I saw him and he had gotten worse. Not eating, blaming his brother and partner trying to poision him.
He assumed the house they lived in was robbed. That they were going to get harmed and he went to the police and made a formal complaint that he was trying to get poisoned by them. Things worsened that he saw our daughter signalling outsiders.
Eventually he got a mental health assessment (the only way id let him see his daughter) then got sent straight to the mental ward. I arrived there and he was unsure why he was there and even called the police saying someone was outside the hospital trying to harm him repeating "am I in a safe place".

After he got out -back into my care.. I had a place set up. No longer able to live with my in laws. He got off meds 2wks later. A whole year no one from his side tried... No one. Not for me nor him. So its only been me. Yes hes back at work. Not on meds now for 6months. I sent him out once since living here he promised to take the meds and do rite. I believed and he came back. Off meds within a month that time .. So here we are he's a very good actor I find. Family dont see the illness. But he's different with me...
Theres just so much theries he has about things.I went to see my psychologist last Monday, made an appointment for him after arguing he accepted to go. Was very angry about it. Saying I'm embarissing our family by going. That EVERYONE knows what I'm talking about.

He also seems bit down lately on top of his mood swings.. And delusions. I just think its not getting any better.. Do I put my foot down ? Same time I can't keep doing it.. I want more kids.. But afraid of what it holds with him.I want to be happy enjoy simple things but I can't anymore. I feel obligated to care as no one else does and I'm afraid of what he might do.. To himself mainly.. 😔

[Former-Member]

@Demi @DeeElysia
Topic Tuesday (special events tab) on now
Caring for men who don't care for themselves "

[Demi]

No sign of mental illness previously, quite a strong personality with definite opinions on what was right and what was wrong. My kids were between 12 and 15 when the first ITO was put in place.

The whole situation is very difficult. I watched the YouTube video suggested by Darcy I'm not sick, I don't need help which was helpful in gaining further understanding.

Throughout the whole ten years I have felt obligated to look after him. A psychologist told me that that is not a good basis for a marriage. However, here I am again in the same situation, but, I feel stronger in myself, stronger in doing things for myself. He is calmer and sometimes we can enjoy the simple things in life again, ten years down the track. I have stopped feeling responsible for his illness and the way he lives his life now.

But @DeeElysia I am older, have had my children and they continue to be my focus. I no longer dwell on how I wish things were or how I wish they could be. No decision is easy and I cannot say with any certainty that I have made the right ones along the way, but they have been made and here we are. 

It is interesting how they can hide it from others. That's another reason why you can feel so alone. Keep seeking help and try very hard to enjoy some of those simple things with your young child. I hope you can find a way to not let your husband's illness rule your life. My thoughts are with you.

[DeeElysia]

@Demi thank you for all your advise ..

I feel so guilty to walk away but I'm so unhappy and over it all! He's just not listening and refuses his meds or to even go to his physcologist etc.
I'm over feeling like him mum/care taker. 😔

I have a hard time connecting with him too. Both intellectually and intimately .. Then I get upset at myself for having a wall up. But I see him differently now... Which is sad.. He's no longer this handsome,funny,smart,caring,charming man I fell for. He's just someone I used to know and I'm living with a different man.

But he's still got that sensitive giving side. Makes me feel guilty for feeling unsure about us.

Then he starts to analyze our 4 year old when she plays up or says things that kids her age wouldn't know apparently she can't be that smart , she must have a devise on her. Frustration comes out and I'm in the other room or keeping busy cause I can't even deal anymore.

I feel he also fits the " Narcissist " description .. 😣

Do you think its possible for him to get worse without meds? Or that he can do harm ? I'm worried about my daughter.. He said the other day that she was the biggest piece of the puzzle and this all started from her.

[Demi]

@DeeElysia I know, I know I know. Any intimacy with my husband stopped many years ago as it started to feel not right. I felt uncomfortable, felt like I was with a strange stranger. 

I really don't know if the condition can get worse without medication. I guess anyone is capable of doing harm if they believe that it is the right thing to do, that it will solve what they believe is wrong with the world. That's the hardest part. Imagine what it must feel like to believe that all these people are out to get you - frightening and all you would want to do is stop it. My husband displayed some narcissistic tendencies but majorly persecutory. 

My husband started accusing my mother of "making up" her dementia. After I left, he went to where my sons lived looking for me, asking them where I was. He had a printed out email from years ago, one of those scam ones, telling the kids that I was part of it and had taken all this money. This was the most confronting thing for my children (early 20s at the time) as they had never really witnessed his anger or heard him say  totally irrational things. They have found it very hard to get over that and really now have very little to do with him. I am the one who initiates any "family gatherings". I doubt they would visit him if I wasn't around. It is like their father has disappeared but he is still around. He was such a hands on father. My daughter has visited a psychologist to help her deal with it all but the boys not and I think it would be helpful for them, especially for the oldest one (now 25) who was closest with him.

 The whole caring thing became beyond me. That is why I left. Some medical professional needed to be involved and I couldn't go through the whole ITO again. Thankfully one of my husband's brothers has taken over making sure he goes to his appointments. He still gets injections once a month because he doesn't trust himself to take tablets which shows that he thinks the medication is helping him. It particularly has helped him sleep which he appreciates. I cook his meals and do his washing so now I am his carer / friend. I don't know what he thinks of our relationship but I know what I think. Sometimes I want to give him a hug but I cannot bring myself to do it. 

I cannot tell you whether to stay or go. If you feel unsafe, go. Maybe it doesn't have to be forever. I am so much older than you and you and your daughter have so much life ahead of you. Whatever you choose, you definitely need support and it would be good if someone could look out for him too. One thing for sure, you need to look after yourself. 🙂

[Loulou83]

@DeeElysia,
My heart is breaking for you, and I understand completely how you are feeling, it's like a roller coaster most days. I like you, get so frustrated and angry and just want to scream and yell and cry, other days I feel like I have it under control and can totally deal with it, some days it's an absolute nightmare and I just want out. My husband believes he is being followed and that people are constantly looking at him, he thinks that there is an entire network of over 300 people out to get him. Over the past year he has bought 5 new cars to try and trick them, but they keep recognising him, frustrating to say the least... We also have trouble going places on the weekends, he ends up anxious and quiet, and more often than not we end up fighting and the day is ruined, I just plan things for the kids and I and let him choose if he wants to come or not, I find the less pressure I put on him the easier things are.
The only advise I have for you is to be kind to yourself, do things that make you happy that don't impact your husband at all, I've been going to the gym a lot, it's a great place to clear the head and tune out. Remember that it is not your fault, there is nothing that you have done to cause it, and there is nothing that you can do to fix it either. Have you seen a counsellor yourself? Even just to learn some ways to relax and de stress, it really is a great help.
@Former-Member posted some great sites that are a alot of help if you haven't looked at them already.