Why?

[Teachingme]

Hi, I’m new here. I have had anxiety my entire life. My school life was horrible. I was upset and nervous every day. I structured my entire world around these ‘odd’ thoughts. They were certainly odd at that time. It was when I moved away for uni I finally had to admit something wasn’t right. I was in emergency (hospital) once a week sure I was dying. I had no idea that it could’ve been my mind. I finally met a Dr that knew what was happening. I got a bit of it sorted. 

20yrs later, here I am still messed up. I don’t sleep, I cry all the time.  If I don’t feel safe at work, I cry. This cost me my job last year. Because I cry all the time, my boss told the higher ups that I was a victim of domestic violence. I only found this out 2 weeks ago (left the job 3 months ago). I’m sickened by this.

My husband is my support. I’m so sad that this human felt that the only reason i could be so sad was because of something untrue. she was unable to look deeper into herself to see the true reason (bullying) and chose to insinuate my husband was the one to blame. 

This has taken me back quite a few steps. During the last year I have hurt myself several times. I have never experienced such hurtful behaviour. 

I’ve moved on job wise but I am truly stuck about whether I make a formal complaint to the higher ups about the whole thing. I have a LOT of documents as I write about every horrid interaction as they happened. I know I should move on but I don’t think I can. She marred my name in my industry and I can now no longer apply for leadership positions due to her recommendation’ 

[pangolin]

Hey @Teachingme 

Firstly, I would like to give you a warm welcome to the Sane forums! It is brave to reach out to a new space like this and open up about these vulnerable topics. 

We can hear that you have had a long, challenging journey with anxiety that has impacted your school life, up to your work life now. 

It is not good to hear that you feel like you are messed up, and that you don't sleep, cry all the time, and don't feel safe at work. While it is so wonderful to hear that your husband is such a supportive and safe person for you, it is terribly upsetting to hear that he was accused of DV by your old workplace. And even more upsetting that this all happened without your knowledge. Finding out months after you left this job can understandably bring up some feelings of betrayal, anger, and a sense of hopelessness in not being able to speak your truth. I can understand how this has left you wanting to make a formal complaint and it sounds like a totally reasonable response. 

It is concerning to hear that you have turned to self-harm several times and we wonder what steps you take to keep yourself safe through these urges? It is important to share how you keep safe when discussing these thoughts on the forums as it keeps this a safe space for all reading and engaging. 

I am sure some forum members will be along shortly to provide you with some advice and kind words!

[MatchaToad]

Hey @Teachingme 

I can see @pangolin has come in with some lovely support, and I thought I'd show some support as well.

I am so sorry you've had to carry this weight. It is heartbreaking to hear that while you were managing a lifelong battle with anxiety, you were met with bullying instead of the support you deserved.

What your former boss did - creating a false narrative about domestic violence - is not just unprofessional; it's a deep betrayal of trust. It is understandable that this has set you back, especially given how much it has impacted your career path and your sense of safety. Please be gentle with yourself right now. You've been through trauma, and your feelings of anger and 'stuckness' are a natural response to being treated so unfairly. What happened at your last job was a failure of leadership, not a failure of your character. I'm holding space for you as you decide how to move forward and heal.