Hi @Sweetcakes
I read your post and it made me think of my current situation. I've dealt with very low self-confidence all of my life. I've worked on it quite a bit the past couple of years and made some progress doing things I never though I would be able to do. Nothing huge, just felt like I had started to get some good progress for the first time over just over 50 years of trying.
for me it all started 3 years ago with a serious health diagnosis that turned my life upside down. Part of dealing with it was about 18 months ago I decided that I would go back to study this year, which I did successfully. The problem is that I have now completed the study, passed, and now in a position to look for a job, a field i've never done before, and I find myself really struggling to apply as those old self-confidence issues are back in full effect. I was talking to my counselor about 2 weeks ago talking about how I kept finding excuses not to apply for anything. I said to her that all the stuff I've had to deal with health-wise the past 3 years, why does applying for a job still scare me?! I've dealt with so much over these 3 years, stared death in the face... and applying for a job still scares me! Why?!
I actually applied for those two jobs a few days later. I just figured what was the worst that could happen? If I don't get the job, or even an interview... so what? These people wouldn't recognise me if they saw me in the street. I started thinking about why I could do the job, rather than why I wouldn't get it. That forces me to answer my own questions in a positive way and added to the thought of realising how much I've had to deal with, and how hard it has been, and how terrifying it was at times... I just knew I could deal with sending off a letter and a resume and just let whatever happens happen.
I haven't heard anything back yet, and yes there's a part of me that hopes I don't so I don't have to deal with an interview. But I got myself to that point of applying. If I get the job and it turns out i'm no good at it... so what? Someone will tell me and I'll move on... or be moved on. But what if i can do it, and i'm good at it? A part of me, just wants to find out rather than it be just another thing I think about later and regret not trying. In a moment a week or so ago, that part of me won.
I'm not sure if any of this helps you or not. But I thought I would tell it in case it does. You don't need to trust your own view of yourself. Mine has always been much less than that of what others tell me. But one thing I've learned from dealing with what I have during the past three years is that you can't turn back time. You can change what you do now, but you can't change what you did, or didn't do in the past. You get close to the end of your life and those regrets, the reasons behind them seem so trivial. If I think people wont want me, what does it matter if I find out for sure. Worst case is that I was right all along so why should it scare me? If i was wrong though....
