Do others feel the same?

[Caring_wife]

Hi 

I'm lucky to have been introduced to this site and I'm wondering if others feel the same as me?

My husband served for 30+ years and was medically discharged in 2019. He suffers many issues including PTSD, depression, and many other things due to medical etc. He is trying his best and getting help, which is great.

I know he loves me very much even though he doesn't show it, but I feel as if he is pushing me away. We haven't been intimate for a few years due to meds and that is not an issue.

Communication when important is full of grunts or sighs. If I try to tell him how I feel he seems to get offensive. We talk about so much but not the important things.

I will never leave him as he means the world to me, I just feel alone. Do others feel the same in their relationships?

[0ddsidian]

Hey @Caring_wife 

Welcome! I'm glad that you found yourself here, and I hope you can find some comfort.

Stories like the one you have shared here are so unfortunately common. I am the daughter of a veteran, and I have witnessed similar experiences to yours within my own family, as well as the people I support.

Communication is such a foundational part of all relationships, so it's really anxiety provoking and isolating when that communication doesn't go well (or doesn't happen in some cases).

Tagging some members that might be able to give you some of their thoughts / insights too

@EchoGirl @CJ130 @Cally1 @Heyyou @LG @Azalea @CarryOnPorkChop 

Happy to chat as well ❤️

[Heyyou]

Hi @Caring_wife 

I am a  spouse of current serving member with over 28 years service and I hear you and see you. 
You are not alone. I too get very lonely. Please make sure you are looking after your own health and wellbeing first. I have found a great phycologist through Open Arms who gives me a way of opening up my feelings and ways to help myself and my relationship. I also connect with Facebook groups when I need advice or someone to talk to that understands the stuff we go through as Defence families. 
It’s not easy but do things for you. Don’t forget about yourself, as quite often as wife’s and mothers we put ourselves last and we need to not do that so much. 
I’m always here if you ever need someone to chat too. 
Please reach out 

[Caring_wife]

@Heyyou Hi.. 

Thanks so much. I too have a psychologist through Open Arms. 

We went out for lunch yesterday which was nice, didnt talk about much. He did tell me he cares deeply for me, which made the day even better.

when came home, he changed so quickly and wanted to argue. I stopped him and went to spare room. 

Why ruin such a lovely day 🙂?

[CarryOnPorkChop]

@Caring_wife short answer yes unfortunately. He pushed me away in the past and I've been feeling very lonely lately. I'm currently crying alone in our camper. I lost my Dad recently and he's just not as good at supporting me as I am at supporting him. I'm feeling more resentful than I ever have before though

[tyme]

Hey @CarryOnPorkChop , Sorry to hear how hard things are for you @CarryOnPorkChop . It sounds incredibly hard to be going through this alone.

I'm so glad you have found other people here who are probably going through something similar.

We hear you and we are sitting with you. 

@CarryOnPorkChop @Caring_wife @Heyyou @0ddsidian 

[Caring_wife]

@CarryOnPorkChop I here you.

[Azalea]

@Caring_wife I’m so sorry you’re going through this, and for my delayed response.

I was in a kind of similar situation, a female veteran with PTSD married to a veteran with PTSD. I tried to be the supportive wife, had therapy, did all the courses to become a better wife and mother, went to marriage counselling, lost weight, did all the things he wanted me to but they were never enough. In hindsight I now realise he just didn’t like me at all and was picking fights and projecting his issues onto me, he even blamed me for cheating because I said she was attractive haha! I got to the point where I decided to choose me and leave. It’s not a light choice to make and it was very hard for a few years but life is SO good now.

i also realise that choice isn’t for everyone so i definitely suggest marriage counselling but also separate counselling for both of you. Communication and comprehension are key here, so you might need help in telling eachother what you need and what you’re missing. Think about what you love about eachother and why you first fell in love and see if things have changed.

in my case when I asked my ex what he loves about me he listed things I did for him. That was when I realised he didn’t love me, only what I could offer him. I chose to remove myself from that as it was extremely negative for me.

Instead of focusing on supporting him choose to support yourself and do things you enjoy, hobbies, self care, exercise, hang out in nature alone. It’s amazing the clarity you can see and feel after hiking to a waterfall or walking around a beautiful garden noticing the small things. 

[tyme]

Thank you for sharing @Azalea . Your post shed some incredible insights into ADF life and life after. I can see some of the challenges you faced and how you managed to look after yourself and overcome.

It's great to hear that life is now so good for you.

Another takeaway was that you asked him what he loved about you and realised it was not about you but what you could do for him. It really gives me food for thought.

Once again, thank you for sharing.