Hello @Magpie22 This really resonates with me. That distinction you're making between alone and lonely lands for me also - you're noticing something significant there....
I had to find connection with myself deeply before it fully came back to me through others. Without that internal connection, I found myself doing seeking behaviours to fill what felt like a void - alcohol, relationships that were toxic or fleeting because I didn't have the relationship I needed with myself first.
What you're describing about always being the one reaching out -yep.... here's something I've learned ~ try if it feels good for you...
What's wrong with asking for what you want within a friendship and allowing that person to respond, or not?
That's actually clarity, better communication. You're being honest about what you'd like, and you're giving your friends the space to show up how they can.
Their response (or lack of one) gives you information, but it doesn't mean you were wrong to reach out.
The loneliness you're feeling, even when surrounded by people - that's your system telling you something important. For me, it was often signaling that the connections around me weren't quite meeting what I actually needed, or that I was still disconnected from myself even in company.
Does any of this land for you?
