Gday @MG2879 !! I have been thinking about you and wondering how it's all going on while I have had some situations to focus on on my own life it's amazing that people's stories float around in the head and, I was wishing you well and hoping things were settling for you I know you had a few hard days.
Well...it sounds like your ex did NOT come to the party literally and figuratively. I reckon it would feel like about three kickings in a row that you have dealt with and I feel sorry that the ex decided to treat you fairly harshly and dishonestly.
But can I also say it sounds like the ex showed his "true colours" right from his core. It sounds like he got a lot of out the relationship FROM you but he got into the habit of not giving back. It sounds like he pretended to be a source of comfort and things but when it came to the crunch he was a "taker" and he represented comfort etc in the good times but truly he just wasn't there except when the drugs and alcohol were flowing nicely.
It is a sad reminder to my that my own ex and even my mum are/were exactly the same way towards myself, and what you say about your mum's treatment of you is sadly familiar. Perhaps you learned along the way that you had to make yourself less of a person, and struggle hard to get any scraps of love? I can relate to that story myself. Today you are probably feeling like absolute dog***t but I encourage you to see that this is the breaking point of the new dawn. You have kicked a fake person, and fake substances out of your life because you want to feel the REAL good feelings in life, and it's a fact of addiction that when you take away the magical moonshines you will FEEL a lot of emotions coming up that have been suppressed for some time.
You will feel emotions suppressed by the potions then you will also feel breakup emotions, and you have lost two sources of comfort all in the same week. I have seen my own journey with sobriety like hatching out of an egg. I was born into an egg, I was substanced into an egg for 30-40 years of my life, then in desperation to be normal I started to peck my way out of the egg and then I stand naked and cold looking at life in a whole new way because my brain isn't pickled any more.
But where I had me stuck in the egg and people outside of it who enjoyed me being trapped in the shell, I found that once I could see and feel clearly any more I could not lie to myself any longer and accept a second or third rate life.
I strongly encourage you to do the '"anti meditation" cause i think a lot of craving for someone is, craving for their comfortable presence but your mind conveniently wipes ALL the discomfort.
Get a piece of paper and write down every single shit thing your ex ever did, every disappointment, every failure, every crappy act and every mean trait in his character. To balance things write a few positive attributes that you truly miss and would desire out of another person or would like in your next partner so it doesn't turn into a totally negative experience. It might also help your life a bit to think of some of your regulars at work and other people who have F*****D their life with D&A.
DO NOT think of the functional alcoholics who you know and think of their happy stories and how nice it is to go to the pub, etc. Remember how angry/sad/needy they are when they don't have their booze. The happy face you see, the justifications, the revolving door around the booze is their true life like a dog on a leash circling around a bottle that's only happy when the bottle is full and miserable without it.
Then see yourself just growing and moving away from all this crap and also start a dream board or write a list of what you want to bring into your life, and how you can realistically do that over time, not immediately.
I reckon you will find, and this process teaches your brain and thinking patterns to separate good from bad and now to find the truth when you have been steamrolled in the space of less than 2 weeks.
OK definitely you need to grieve and mourn the good bits but use the anti-meditation to etch it into your mind as to WHY you are putting yourself through this extreme pain and WHY you don't want to go back.
And this sounds very corny but I have been over 10 years off alcohol and I have been 2 months of smoko which was introduced by my parents in my school years so I had an extreme fondness for that and I have wasted the best years of my life sitting by an ashtray including trying to get my mum to love me if i could lower myself to her level. Well I am now friends with myself like never before and I am HAPPY on the inside. It reflects through my work, through my best social connections, and I have a spring in my step which I wish I had let in 20 or more years ago.
I would say the flipside is that I do feel sadness over how long I spent chasing intoxication, but that also inspires me to make the best of the rest of my life. And I occasionally do antimeditations about people I currently know, because their life can look easy from the outside but I know 100% they are slaves to the substances and I am now only a slave to work, and I use my time off for constructive and enjoyable things. I can plan for the future, I can save money most times, my actual brain is engaged with the people and things around me and I rarely feel distant, angry, sullen, etc like the old days when I was just hanging to get away from people and get intoxicated. Now I enjoy my own time but I also enjoy seeing people and it doens't cost $50 in beers it might cost $10 for a coffee or I will bake a cake and take it round to people too.
So keep your eyes on the prize and don't let the negative thoughts creep in, they will do that but fight them with strong thoughts and happy thoughts and dreams too. YOU will live squarely in reality and get control of your life. And you will see other people just doing the dog on a chain and lying to themselves and the world around them, and one day you will 100% know that you made the right choice once your feelings have settled down and once all your positive choices start to stack up in a life which is easier, more known to you, and 100% under your control which can be scary but that also means buckle up and be a good driver for your own journey of life. Before you know it you will attract better people and you will finally get what you truly want.
For reasons that YOU know you chose to break the egg of bullshit and now you're at the dawn of a better chapter. Enjoy the ride, get excited about it, grive the past, fear the change but don't let yourself be dragged back to BSLand. 🙂
