Lived Experience Forum

[Former-Member]

I have been experiencing memories which I can't tell are real or dreams. Stuff like conversations and people's faces I will remember in my mind but I don't know if it really happened or not. Even things like remembering that I went to the shops and bought ham for example but then I look in the fridge and there's no ham, it never happened. And remembering about eating something but then I went to the cupboard and it's still sealed and hasn't even been opened. I'm scared and angry. Am I dreaming these things and they seem real? Why can't I tell what's reality and what isn't? I feel like these memories are being planted in my head somehow but why? They aren't even important things but it's worrying me. I don't want to go to sleep and dream. Is there a way to make sure you don't dream? It's really affecting me. Any ideas or help would be much appreciated

[Former-Member]

i dreamed last night that the people I work with were telling me to end my life. And I woke up feeling horrible and worthless. I want to stop the dreams. I am being punished through my dreams and I just want to say sorry for all the bad things I have done in my life so that the dreams will just stop. It doesn't seem like anyone has read this thread anyway so I don't know the point of writing this. Maybe someone will read it some time in the future and relate or be able to help me. I'm so hopeless. I am driving myself crazy. My mind is my worst enemy right now. I wish I could press pause for a while or slow it down.

[CheerBear]

Hey @Former-Member. I don't know if there is a way to actually stop dreams but I think there are lots of us here who wish there were. Your dreams last night seem really scary.

The only thing that helps me with bad dreams is grounding exercises - things that help me feel and remember where I am and that I am in now, not in the scary times of my dreams.

I can feel myself becoming nervous about sleep when I start having a run of bad nights and find that feeling anxious or nervous about sleep really doesn't help me when it comes time for bed. But then I also stress about doing things that will help me sleep better and can find that stressing about making sure I'm doing the right things doesn't help as well. It's so tricky 😞 Warm baths, reducing caffeine, relaxing before sleep (watching episodes of shows that I find boring etc) and meditation/relaxation apps can ease it a bit for me. I use PRN meds to break the cycle if I really need too.

I hope there are some others who can add something helpful here for you.

[Fancy_Pants]

Hi @Former-Member

They sound like horrible dreams! no wonder you are so upset, i think that anyone, even if they were travelling brilliantly (10/10) to begin with would be distressed.

just wanted to let you know that, and that people do read your thread, but i wonder if sometimes it is hard to know what to do to help. how can we help right now? or is it just good to get it out there and feel heard?

you mentioned trouble calming your mind, have you had a look at any of the ideas that have worked for others ie in threads like coping box or grounding techniques  or negative into positive i wonder if any of those would be helpful? or if you have something that you used to do?

[Former-Member]

@CheerBear thank you for reading my post. I sometimes take PRN but it doesn't stop the dreams. I actually think it makes the dreams worse.

@Fancy_Pants I haven't looked at those threads but I will do. I am only beginning to learn coping mechanisms/mindfulness stuff through my new psychologist. My old one just wanted to talk about my past which just made me feel traumatised all over again. I don't want to go to sleep and I don't want to wake up.

It's all so confusing. I know it's supposedly "impossible" that thoughts and ideas can be put into a persons mind. I've learnt that through nursing school, studying mental health years ago. But now experiencing it for myself, I wonder why, if it is happening to that many people, do we insist it's impossible?? These memories and thoughts are coming from somewhere and I don't beleve they are coming from my own mind. Why is that so impossible to believer?? Someone or something is putting them there to mess with me

[CheerBear]

@Former-Member - some meds do make dreams more vivid and I've found that there are a couple that will have the effect of knocking me out but waking up my mind while I am sleeping, and that doesn't work for me at all. I've had to try lots of different medications and combinations to find what works best for me and it is something that I'm still working on. Do you have a GP you can chat to about it? Having a GP who I feel comfortable with, able to trust and who has a good understanding of mh, is important (I think).

In terms of your last post, I don't really know how best to reply. I think I would feel really really scared if I thought someone or something was intentionally putting things into my mind to mess with me though. In your post you mentioned you have a new psychologist. Are you able to talk openly about this with them?

Fancy_Pants has given a few links to some helpful threads. This community is full of people who have been using lots of different tools and techniques to help settle and calm busy minds, and if you think it would be helpful for you to talk about some of them, I'm sure there are plenty of people around who can join in the conversation.

I hope today is good for you Nooks. Have you got anything on?

[Former-Member]

Hi @CheerBear thank you for writing again. I had a really busy day at work which is good - it keeps my mind busy and completely away from the confusing things. I hope you had a good day too.

The dream I had last night was absolutely horrible although I know it was completely a dream and nothing more. Its strange that sometimes I know it's nothing more than a horrible nightmare and other times it's something different. I just don't know what to believe anymore and it's scaring me. The line between dreams and reality is getting really hazy these days. I see my psychiatrist on Friday. I trust him completely, a lot more than the gp who I don't really know very well. Hopefully he will help me make it stop. I just want to pay for what I did some other way because I can't cope with not knowing what's real anymore, and I can't cope with the torture every night when I close my eyes.
I know one of the ADs I'm taking can cause bad dreams - I used to take it a few years ago and the dreams were bad but I still woke up feeling really happy and I knew they were just stupid dreams and not reality. It's different this time

[CheerBear]

Hi @Former-Member. I'm glad that you were able to stay busy today and keep your mind away from the things that seem to be causing you trouble at the moment.

It's good to hear you're seeing your psychiatrist soon, and that you trust him. Hoping you'll be able to discuss what's happening and get some support from someone who might have a good understanding about what's going on. Feeling for you and how hard things are.

Please keep chatting here if you find it helpful. Sometimes it's helpful for me to have just to share what's happening here, even if no-one is really able to give me advice or offer me suggestions on how to manage it.

Thinking of you and hoping tonight is better for you.

[Former-Member]

I went to my psychiatrist this morning and he said it's called magical thinking and the OCD is what's causing me to constantly worry about it.
I still don't think it's absurd to think that the thoughts aren't coming from within me because they aren't the same as the thoughts that do come from within me. He was very kind and said that it was understandable that I didn't believe him 100 percent just yet.

I'm trying to decide whether to share this with my partner. I don't want him to think I'm crazy. But I know it sounds crazy when I say it all out loud. He thinks OCD is about checking things eg checking all the power points and stove etc are turned off. He doesn't know about intrusive thoughts. I feel so alone and trapped. I'm a prisoner within my own mind which is being filled with terrible things

[CheerBear]

Hi @Former-Member. I'm glad that your psychiatrist was kind and seemed to understand what you're going through.

I can imagine it would be really hard to keep what's happening from your partner, especially when you are feeling so alone at the moment. I can also imagine how scary it would feel to disclose what's going on, particularly when it seems as if your partner doesn't really get it. When I'm feeling worried about where my head is at, I want so much to have someone who cares about me and loves me to share what's happening with. Not having that makes me feel even more on my own and it hurts a lot.

I don't think what you're going through sounds crazy. It sounds scary and confusing for you though. In the past, have you been able to share things like this with your partner, and has he been supportive?

I'm really glad that you don't feel judged here and that you felt able to write what you did. I think it's really brave to talk about things that feel really scary.

Have you got any plans today?

Thinking of you Nooks.