Feeling real low and hopeless

[fruitisgood]

Life is really kicking my ass right now, and I feel like I keep making descions that dont align with me. But I also dont really have a sense of who I am and where Im going. 

I just left a 4 year relationship. Its been tearing me up inside. I havent had much support. No close friends. Ive tried to utilise supports offered, but most of the time people dont respond back to me, or they dish out all the unhelpful advice.  

I started a new job, and I dont know if Ive made a big mistake but I feel in the thick of it now. Its a physical job that leaves me pretty tired. Im not very fit but Im working on my fitness levels as that needed to change regardless. The job will also only be maximum 3 days a week. Ive never worked full time and Im already exhausted. Is this normal? 

I keep thinking about the natural world. How much I love it. What sort of life could I build that incorporates it. I do want to work (and well let's be real, most of us have no choice to come capacity) but I want it to be meaningful. 

My days have been spent just lost in my comfort show with noone to share it with. Going through the motions. Wake up. Eat. Walk. Work. Rest. Repeat. 

I had a vividly awful nightmare about my ex last night. 

To top all of this off, my only real solid support has been my therapist who I see through an organisation referral program so I have a limited number of sessions. She has been phenomenal, however our sessions are coming to an end and Ive been crying about it alot because I feel like Im losing the one thing that I look forward to most weeks because its the only space I feel I can be real. Plus I don't feel ready at all to stop therapy. She knows it too and we're both feeling defeated by this crappy system. 

Im feeling hopeless. Work scares me. I dont have friends and not much energy or money to invest in finding them. I live alone and sometimes think about moving but I dont know where Id go. I fantasize about getting a van or something but I know that life isnt glamorous either. I feel stuck despite all the changes happening. and I feel so alone in it all which is honestly the scariest part. 

[holdinghope5]

We are sorry to hear that things are so hard at the moment and you feel real low and hopeless.

We appreciate you sharing this with the community and look forward to reading their experiences and insights. @fruitisgood 

[REDLINEZ750]

@fruitisgood  hi just read your post and i actually got on here last night struggling with losing my psychologist because of a system that promotes helping people with mental health as long as its done in an allocated number of sessions, turns out that was just enough for me to feel safe enough tob trust another person and be vulnerable only for her powers that be to say close the file.

im rumenating and trying hard to not be consumed by sadness, its a battle and thankfully i have felt accepted and understood enough on these forums to reach out about it as you have.

your not alone and as far work goes yes its normal to feel tired doing physical or any work if not part of routine, just adjusting to change in sleeping patterns takes a bit out of us.

hope you feel better soon im happy to chat if it helps

be kind to yourself

[fruitisgood]

hey @REDLINEZ750  Im sorry to hear youre experiencing something similar with regards to accessing mental health care. I definitely feel like there's a huge gap in services to support people like us with complex mental health issues especially.  

I originally accessed this service to talk about specific trauma since that is their deal, but ended up talking about everything else. My therapist told me this isn't unusual with patients. It takes time to open up and genuinely feel safe. Like sure I COULD unleash all my shit first or second session in but then that leaves me retraumatised because Im reliving all of it, and I dont have that foundational safety net. I learned this through these sessions and how much care and kindness and attention my therapist has held me with. My first session all I did was talk about movies and hobbies and stuff. 

The current system really shafts us. 

thankyou for the reassurance with work. Ive been talking for months and months about wanting to simplify my life. Less stuff to carry. Less to focus on. Quality over quantity you know? but taking on more work FEELS like adding more to my plate. Its just change and im not used to it.

Id love to chat. Its hard not having people I know personally that I can call up and ask for help. Hence why I use these services. I also call a helpline and just chat to someone on there pretty often. 

[Rovja]

Good greetings !🌺

And Howdy!🤠

Maybe you can plan something to look forward to like a holiday.

Even if its only a road trip.

Buying a van or camper van or xcravan can ve a good investment and give you freedom and adventure and independence.

Maybe you can look in to another lune if work better suited that makes you passionate and  happy and that you feel happy with.

Good wishes to the.🙏

[Shaz51]

hello @fruitisgood , @Rovja , @REDLINEZ750 and welcome my friends 

letting you know that you are not alone 

sitting with you and sending hugs 

what things do you enjoy doing ?

have any furbabies ?

we are here for you 

@holdinghope5 , @Jynx , @tyme 

[REDLINEZ750]

Hello @fruitisgood 

i understand what you mean about the trauma, i actually have  0or had) 2 psychologists.

the one yjat i learned to see as a person i trust and like you i learned to look firward to our sessions and i let her in past all walls and i wore no masks. i dont think ive done with anyone since 14 and dont think i will again. i havent been through the process before and as an individual i rarely allow anyone the chance to hurt me, learnt they can only hurt me if i give them knowledge  how too . 

i was with kids mum near 20yrs and she  didnt know as much avbout  growing up as this psychologist  and i can explain how strongly she advocated for me but i always worry post too long bore people just adds to my sadsness that my sad makes her sad and i cant mask it or wall up with jher.

anyway oyther one more recent wanted to try trauma reprocessing without touching whay changed everything in 23 so go back she says  yeah i got something she had good intentions but without knowing i  went through it a little bit she done her thing make sure things were good said yeah long ago and i was good end session come night time  ia quick reflection of therapy blew straight into rumenation and no therapist i didnt know any DBT  tt got loud and i got messy.

i hope that doesnt look like im turning it into about me i hope it helps you feel a bit better and less hopeless knowing iyour not hopeless becaquse  of how you feel and less alone 

and im a person that gets it 

whats your night look like?

[fruitisgood]

Its okay to share. Thankyou for sharing your experience too.

I totally understand how hard it is to let those walls down and really let someone in. Its a vulnerable place and youre right, that knowledge can be used to hurt. Thats the other side of the coin when it comes to trust. And when the burns still smart from days past, its hard to even find a reason to open up again. 

You say you may never open up again, and I am not going to tell you what you should do or feel or any of that. I hope that if you do find someone to trust that they welcome you with love in their heart and you feel ready to receive it. 

the second psych sounds like my last one before this therapist (who is a councillor mind you!). She tried to get me into doing EMDR. It really messed me up I think. My people easing kicked into overdrive and I just kept saying yeap I can do this. Yeap Im okay. Yes its fine. 

And yes like you said, you just left and went into rumination and without those safety nets and skills to regulate which take time, those therapies can be really risky. 

My current therapist shakes her head and says they shouldn't have done that, and my current therapist barely knows anything about mypast, but she can tell its really had a significant impact on how I think and function today. 

My night has been peaceful. Its been a roller-coaster day. I got out for a swim, my neighbours just gave me a near new bicycle (that honestly made my week). Just watching my favourite comfort shows. 

Im in WA too, so its still decently early for a Saturday night. Sorry if this message finds you at a much later time.  How about yours? 

[fruitisgood]

Hey @Shaz51 Thankyou for the message. 

Sadly no fur babies in my world. Renting and all that. Although I have been heavily considering fostering if the owner allows it. 

I like to do lots of things ! 

Getting back into my art after a long hiatus. The art block is real. Im trying to just do it like its exercise. Sometimes its great, sometimes its mid, but I never regret trying and Im letting go of attachment to rigid outcomes. Its helping when I hit roadblocks. 

I love animals and nature. Big fan of hiking, amateur photography, snorkelling. 

Currently obsessed with this TV show. Im dying to chatter away to someone about it because its just a big slice of warm pot pie! 

[REDLINEZ750]

@fruitisgood just  another  night, got some music playing behind me and my best mate sleeping behind me/against me so i cant stand wihjout him knowing.

new bike gey! how cool! did it come with helmet?

im in Sydney dont know if helmet laws are nation wide 

whats this show thats got your full attention?

its no tragedy for me to not trust another as much as again, it was first time in over 38yrs so i can handle. Its impossible for any therapist now because i know the truth of safe space now. if the time comes they are as they make felt will be a long road to proving it.

the thing im struggling with most is knowing next session is goodbye and i want be stoic and able to say well been great, take it easy and get out of dodge before the act collapses.

i dont want her to see it hurts because its not her thats hurting me and i dont want her think she did or worry after me in any way, i might do it telehealth.

i will be up for few more hours if anything happens in your show thats too much to hold in haha