I feel so alone

[KirSa_EnigmA]

There just doesn't seem to be any way to avoid this. 

I do things, I read, learn, connect, put myself out there and try so hard to make some kind of difference... an impact... to be heard, respected, heck... even an argument or disagreement would mean something.  3-4am starts... hours and hours a day working. 

But zilch.  Nobody gives a damn.  

There's this duality of time... like there's not enough... so much to learn and do and experience... with intense exploration and hope and pushing forward. 

Then there's 2 hour showers and the desire to just bleurgh it all away watching crap on TV or just sleeping through it so I can just get to tomorrow... hoping it'll be different. 

The gains feel empty right now.  The insights useless. Progress insignificant.  

I cry now... at least I can cry.  but I wish I could bury it again.  I wish I'd never dug up what I know... my awareness has become a burden, not a way free.  

I'm just sad again I guess.   

I want to hide in some menial task and keep all my value from the world.  It seems nobody recognises it anyway... or maybe there's none worth sharing in the first place.  

Coming here and posting this made me sadder.  

[rav3n]

@KirSa_EnigmA

i hear how upsetting and exhausting its been for you, and i'm really sorry you feel this way. 

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@KirSa_EnigmA wrote:

I wish I'd never dug up what I know... my awareness has become a burden, not a way free.  

---

i feel this!! i felt that the more self-aware i became, the more i understood - the more pain i felt. i think the pain was because i spent so much time trying to understand others but no one took the time to understand me in the same way. and it absolutely sucked.

now i am in a place where i feel less burdened and more grateful for the awareness (it's a work in progress). it took a lot of time and tears to get here, but i share this to let you know that it can get better. those who don't recognise your value and strength are truly missing out. i used to give my all to everyone and anyone, but now i'm much more selective and i feel it's helped me draw in better people into my life. 

feel your feelings, and know that you are worthy of being treated with love and respect. you do deserve good things. we're here for you 💙

[KirSa_EnigmA]

/crying 

ok. thanks 😞 

[rav3n]

how can the forums community support you tonight? what would be helpful? @KirSa_EnigmA 💖

[KirSa_EnigmA]

I'll be ok

[AuntGlow]

Hello @KirSa_EnigmA, 

I just wanted to stop by and say hi. I am here if you want to talk. I know posting this made you feel sad and that there is a lot weighing heavy on your heart... I can see how much you are needing to be seen and for your value to be respected and supported... 

I am wondering, what would that look like for you? ☺️💛

[Justhere]

HI @KirSa_EnigmA 

I know how you feel, its an empty world when you give and dont receive. 

I'm learning now, baby steps to no longer seek validation from outside of myself, which is hard to do when we are trained from birth to seek approval and love from others.

Setting small self goals and allowing ourselves to feel love, and pride for this and building it up throughout the day helps to change our own mind set that we are loved, valued and that we are worthy.

🙂 hope this helps, as i say , im only just starting this myself.

[KirSa_EnigmA]

thank you all for your comments and support.  I don't really feel well and up to replying in detail right now.  just feel defeated. 

So... I'm gonna go and crawl under a rock for a while and hopefully things will improve in a bit of time. 

~ K

[rav3n]

hey @KirSa_EnigmA that's absolutely fine, there's no pressure at all to respond. we'll be thinking of you 💗

please don't hesitate to reach out to crisis service if you're struggling, you deserve to be heard.

• Connect with a lifeline crisis supporter (24 Hrs) 13 11 14
• Suicide callback service (24 Hrs) 1300 659 467
• 000 if unsafe

take care and stay safe, sending you gentle hugs 💗

[Justhere]

HI @KirSa_EnigmA 

Hope you have a restful sleep and know , we are here 🙂