Marriage where both people suffer from mental illness

[WiRi84]

Hey @Undecided, it sounds like you are really unhappy and that you've reached a point where your husband is unwilling to engage or entertain the idea of attending couples counselling. That must feel really disappointing and frustrating. We know that trying to make another person see our point of view is really a waste of time if they are unwilling to budge, or compromise on anything. There might be some value in checking with your GP and seeing if you could get a referral to speak to someone just for you. That way you can aim towards helping yourself to feel better and you'll have someone who can give you an objective and supportive views about moving forward and away from feeling stuck. If you haven't had a physical(blood tests etc) for a while, it might be good to look into that as well. Hope you can get some answers soon 🙂

[LilMapleLeaf]

@tyme thankyou for tagging me!

[LilMapleLeaf]

@Undecided 

I hope you are doing well, it's lovely to hear from you again.

I think you are right to feel scared, those feelings are incredibly valid!

I do not know you personally but I can almost assure you that you just being nice is not the answer. In every relational break down whether it be partners, friends, colleagues, family or children, both parties have to be able to take accountability for their actions and recognise what they can do to help the situation. Consistently blaming the other party won't ever fix an issue.

I hope you are able to read through some of Gottmans stuff, I believe he is actually about to release a book about conflict in relationships which I'm sure will also be a great resource.

Thank you, you are very kind but I do not feel strong. I wasn't even the one to leave after everything we went through. He left me after he decided I was too sick for him to care for.

And yes I did take the dog, he is currently cuddled up next to me as I type.

The whole situation you are in right now sounds tough. I was there, I know how it is. And I can assure you that leaving isn't easy, it's heartbreaking and scary and lonely BUT as someone who is a year on from separation, I can say without a doubt that I'm doing much better mentally out of that situation. There are still days I miss him and I cry and I'm sad but I'm also not spending every day being put down and made to feel worthless. I'm surrounding myself with people who lift me up and make me feel loved every day. So even after all the heartbreak and stress I would say it has been worth it. 

I can't tell you what the best option for you is. I can say if he isn't willing to take responsibility then it will be very hard for things to get better. Either direction you go, it's vital you take care of you. Build an incredible support network around you, fill your days with people who make you smile and with things that fill your heart. You absolutely deserve to be cared for a valued and I hope either way you can find that. I really hope that you can create a meaningful and beautiful life either way you go!

[Undecided]

@tyme thank you

[Undecided]

@LilMapleLeaf Thank you. It's good to hear from you too. I'm not doing the best, but things could be worse I guess. 

I think fear of not making the right decision is constantly affecting me. 

I agree. I do find myself constantly getting frustrated and yelling at my husband though, so I'm not really surprised that he blames me. Although his ADHD symptoms, like zoning out, not responding to me, shutting down, or getting hyperactive to the point where he's grabbing me or being so loud it makes me cry, is driving me crazy. My heightened state of anxiety has exacerbated my issues with germs and cleanliness and that's causing huge problems. I can't control myself and my emotions. It's killing me, and our marriage. 

I haven't looked at much of his stuff to be honest, but I really want to and will try to make a bigger effort to do it this week. That is probably my undiagnosed ADHD showing too. There is so much I want to do but I'm often too mentally, emotionally or physically exhausted to do it. Thank you, I'll look into the new book. 

Oh that is heartbreaking to hear. I'm so sorry. I hope you're doing okay health wise. 

I'm so glad to hear that you have your dog with you. It can be a great help. 

Reading that honestly made me cry, but I'm glad you are surrounded by people who lift you up and that you're doing better. I do feel like I make him feel awful too, and I feel horrible about it. He says that I don't want to change but that couldn't be further from the truth. I just don't really know how to. I'm always so on edge, angry and anxious and will cry at the drop of a hat. I don't know what's happening to me. The fact that he jokes around so often is frustrating for me. It was fun in the beginning of course but it's hard to deal with at times. He will often make jokes at my expense (even though he says it's not), copy me, or touch me when I'm angry (which drives me crazy), and then say I can't take a joke or I'm no fun. I'm well aware that this is gaslighting, and once he's calmed down he will admit that it's wrong. I know a lot of this has to do with the way his family is and how he was brought up. But I'm not proud of the way I've become either though. My OCD has made me behave more like his mother because I can't trust that he won't make a mess or do things right (although he is very heavy handed, messy and rough). He says I'm a control freak and I know this is a serious issue on my part. Everything just feels like such a mess and my natural need to control things seems to be destroying my life. 

I know that I should be filling my life with things that make me happy, but I feel like I'm too exhausted by my mental state to do anything more than the basics around the house. This is probably my OCD issues, I'm not sure. It seems to take me so long to do absolutely everything and I don't know why. I have no job and no kids and I feel like a poor excuse for an adult. It's embarrassing. I don't have many friends or family, particularly ones I feel completely comfortable with and not judged by. It seems pretty much impossible to create a beautiful and meaningful life in the state that I'm in now, and I feel like I've wasted half of it which makes me sad. 

Thank you for your kind words. I really do appreciate it. 

[LilMapleLeaf]

@Undecided 

Hi! I'm so glad to hear from you again. I'm sorry for the delayed response, I'm usually only on here once a week but I read your message as soon as you posted last week and immediately wanted to respond but totally forgot (that's my ADHD showing!). 

I understand that fear of making the right decision but whatever decision you end up making will always be the right one for you.

I absolutely understand your frustration. I have experienced that frustration with myself as well. I like to use this analogy when talking to people about getting diagnosed. Imagine you are a car (stick with me) and you have a flat tire. While technically you can still drive with the flat tire the drive is bumpy, it's such a struggle and your petrol goes down so much quicker. One day you realise that you have a flat tire and you can do one of two things. You can either say "Well I've had the flat tire my whole life and been fine so I'm just going to ignore it" or you could say "Oh hey I've got a flat tire, maybe I should learn about it and strategies to help it". So then you go and get help for your flat tire and the drive is much smoother.

This analogy isn't to dismiss the experience or invalidate but to show that when you realise that there is something going on you can make a choice to learn and find strategies and support to make the journey smoother. I hope this makes sense.

If you're looking for some resources on ADHD there is a book written by a couple (one with ADHD and one without) called Dirty Laundry which is a great resource, alternatively you can check out the couples tiktok account ADHD_Love which have some amazing videos about ADHD. 

I can tell you for a fact I was exactly where you are, feeling the same way and that I had wasted my life. I promise you haven't wasted your life, but you have had years of learning experiences to help you create the life you want. Are there any ways you take care of yourself through out the week? I'm wondering if you have any formal support such as a psychologist to help you? 

I look forward to hearing from you again soon and remember you're doing amazing!

[Undecided]

@LilMapleLeaf Thank you for your response, and no problem at all. 

I think that's true. I guess it's just hard to remember that when you're faced with major life decisions. 

That's actually a really great analogy. It's very true. It's just a matter of trying to find those ways to make things smoother for me that won't take so long. 

That makes total sense. 

Thank you so much for those, I will check them out!

I am trying. I feel a bit frozen or stuck a lot lately, if that makes sense? I'm going to try to stick to going to the gym as often as I can, so I guess that's something, even if it's partly because if I don't, I'll feel like I'm wasting money! I'm trying to find a psychologist but it's proving to be impossible to find one that isn't going to charge me over $100 per session (after Medicare rebates). We just can't afford it. I don't know what to do. My husband and I both want to get assessed for ADHD but it's so incredibly expensive and the waiting lists are so long. I just want to cry 😞 

[LilMapleLeaf]

@Undecided 

Oh absolutely, but thats why we have other people and support networks to remind us of the important things when we forget. 

Don't quote me on this but it might be worth speaking with your GP and asking if they are aware of any local psychology practices that bulk bill. There may not be any but I know in my local areas some will bulk bill depending on the financial situation so it might just be worth asking.

Also, when I did my ADHD testing I knew how expensive it was and that I couldn't afford it but my psychologist suggested I contact our local university to get my testing done which was a lot cheaper as they use the students to practice administering the test (but it was overlooked by a practicing psychiatrist) so maybe reach out to the universities around you and see if they offer something similar?

[Undecided]

@LilMapleLeaf 

I actually asked my GP the other day and she didn't know of any. She did tell me to try to contact some and ask. I've already contacted some universities and the waiting list for the cheapest one is currently 2 years 😭

[LilMapleLeaf]

@Undecided 

Oh dear.... That is ridiculous. I'm sorry that the wait is so long. Are you both on the waitlists at the moment?

Might be worth just emailing a couple of local psychologists and see if any bulk bill?

How have you been going otherwise?