My Mosaic

[Jynx]

No no it's ok @Bow I'm glad you're ok! Bed is always a safe spot to be, kinda wish I was all wrapped up in blankies my own self!

[Bow]

I’m not really ok though I don’t know what words to use @Jynx 

wondering at what point group is gonna start feeling helpful. I know I’m learning stuff. Today we did more chair work and were later asked what it would feel like if we had to give up our ED coping mechanisms. Nope. No thanks. Big fat no. So what’s the point???? 
And then talking about our vulnerable child… I really don’t know how to access her really. Feels like she is locked in a box. They told me that I’m gonna have to slowly start getting her out. How??? Feels impossible.

oh… and to put the icing on the cake… got a response from my letter I sent last week. 😩:nauseated_face:

[Jynx]

@Bow the way you speak about not giving up your ED coping tools almost sounds like you're not ready? Which is okay, we all walk these roads at our own pace. I'd encourage you to consider what it would take for you to feel ready to drop them - even if it's not all at once, more a phasing out. But also, if you're not ready to put them down yet, it doesn't mean that the group was entirely pointless. From what you've shared, you've still learned so, SO much, both about the Schemas, and about yourself! Group may not feel helpful but that doesn't mean it isn't. Some of this stuff might not be useful till later when you are ready to give up those coping mechanisms.

As for chatting to your ickle inner Bow, well yeah that's a process too. Maybe that's one that also needs to go slower than the pace set by the structure of the group - with a skilled or specialised therapist for example.

All is not lost, hun 💜

And uhh, I'm guessing not a good response? Eeep...

[Bow]

Don’t know if I’ll ever be ready @Jynx 

it all feels so incredibly hopeless. Monday nights are turning out to be very difficult after group. Feeling so vulnerable. Where things spiral and I do stupid

the lady’s response. Thanked me for the feedback, acknowledged how difficult the journey can be of lived experience, and apologized for any distress caused. Knows I am being supported by the team, encouraged me to talk to them and that my feedback has been reviewed by them and they will talk with me. 

which is fine. I didn’t want a big deal. But now just anxious about them talking with me. Hoping that some warning is given so I can have support with me. 

[Jynx]

@Bow hmm... I think for me, readiness wasn't really a feeling, not one I could identify as its own thing anyway. Instead, my readiness was hitting a point of knowing that I had two choices - change, or don't. My 'readiness' wasn't so much like, enthusiasm or feeling prepared, it was doing the thing (i.e. the work) because not doing it was just too painful. Both paths were always gonna suck, but only one path was gonna suck less as I went forward.

Perhaps if you know Monday nights to be particularly challenging, you could arrange something with your SW or someone to switch it up so you get some extra check in or something of a Monday night?

How you feeling about the response - you know, outside of nerves for the conversation yet to come? Did it feel good to get an apology?

[Bow]

See i  feel like I am just wasting everyone’s time. A burden on services and people. A person receiving services and support that shouldn’t be. 

so why even bother??? 

sorry 😞 

[Jynx]

@Bow Nothing of what I said was meant to imply you're wasting their time darlin - quite the opposite in fact! Why on earth shouldn't you be receiving services and support when you need them?

[Bow]

Cause I’m simply not worth it

[Jynx]

Well.... you're worth it to me @Bow, always! Which means your worth is NOT solely dictated by the mean voice in your head!

[Bow]

HI @Jynx