Changing Behaviour

[Sorry13]

Hi everyone, just jumping on to introduce myself and thanks for allowing me this space to see and hear you all. I am a man who has now accepted my narcissistic traits which have been passed on through my narcissistic parents. My damaged inner child needs help. I have sought a psychologist for treatment, I am now working on myself and doing the work which is one of the hardest and loneliest things I have done. This is nothing in comparison to what I have put my wife through for the last 23 years. My behaviour was unacceptable and I regret what I have caused sincerely. We have just bought a house and are now living in seperate rooms. My wife is suffering from ptsd and I am broken and ashamed. It is tough being so transparent and being authentic, but having this awareness and wanting to change to be a better person is enough drive to make this change. I love my wife dearly but I have hurt her and I want to be someone who can be trusted and be respectful and this is going to be a life changing journey whether we make it together or not. If anyone has anything to say or are going through something similar your comments would be appreciated. Thankyou.

[rav3n]

hey @Sorry13 welcome to the forums!

it's not always easy taking accountability and being honest about your actions - but here you are, taking responsibility for your actions and wanting to change. that's a big step, good on you for doing that. 

i can see that you want to be a better husband, and that you're willing to put the work in (seeing a psychologist sounds like a great start too). i wanted to jump in to say - keep going. it can get tough, it can get overwhelming, and you may need to be patient in gaining back your wife's trust, but as long as you keep working on yourself and showing up for her in a healthier way - you can and will change. 

please also take care and be kind to yourself. i look forward to seeing how this journey goes for you 💙

[Sorry13]

Thanks for your encouraging words rav3n

[tyme]

Thank you for sharing @Sorry13 .

We don't often have people who come to the forums to share that they have narcissistic traits. I feel this is one HUGE step to recovery.

I have borderline personality disorder, and after a lot of therapy, I've been able to work on relationships a lot more. 

In a way, I feel this is similar for narcissistic traits. Narcissistism is no longer in the DSM and so I think it is grouped in with personality disorders.

I am confident that with the right support and treatment, things CAN change. As I mentioned, it's really the first step that you've been able to recognise that these traits have not helped people around you.

[Ed1975]

@Sorry13 

I am also a man going through similar sh*t. What my father put myself and brothers through as kids resulted in a lifetime of self destructive behaviour and ruined relationships for me, lifetime drug addiction for my one brother and suicide for another. Recently diagnosed with something I'd never heard of, CPTSD, I've had to face up to the fact that I've also put my ex wife through years of watching me go in and out of depression. 

The best thing you have done is find a psychologist. But don't expect results overnight. I have done a lot of reading of late and have seen talks from psychologists saying once trust is broken in a relationship it can take 5-10 years to gain that back with both parties working on it. Most times it never gets repaired. While you are working on yourself, just be there for her ptsd also. 

You've also got to be as open with her about everything as you can, if she wants to hear it, without piling on more unnecessary stress and heartache for her. If you are already split, ask yourself before opening up to her, "will this cause her more pain". If the answer is yes, it's something you're going to have to process with your psychologist. 

Good luck.

[tyme]

Thanks for sharing @Ed1975 @Sorry13 .

It takes a lot to be able to open up about this.

Thank you.