Little did I know

[miniACDC]

Hi everyone,

I was planning to sleep and currently in bed, just needed to clear the noise.

2 weeks ago this morning she shared with me couple of challenges she was had with family members and it was overwelming for her, then on top of that when she found out, i still had not done anything about my little health challenge, she became furious and gave me an ultimatum that she was not pleased at all. After while I was usherd out of the house.

A week later, she messaged and wrote, have having tough times with compounding matters in her life over time and i was the straw that broke the camel's back.

She needed time and she hoped i understand.

I had been with her 21 month minus 2 days on that Saturday.

I don't have a switch or filter. We had travelled a journey together for more than 20 months,. I was concerned about her and last week after her message, I had replied, I want to be part of her care plan and recovery journey.

I wanted to learn to support her not just in good times, but also in tough times.

So silly concerned me, what does he do? send messages to her girls.

One Daughter few days  ago, expressing my support for the family and here to help in anyway I can.

And today i send another message to the other daughter, pretty much saying the same thing, i am here to help, I feel part of the family and I love their mother.

Well I should have known better!

1.5 hr later the phone rings, and my beautiful EX partner now! Asking me why I messaging her girls.

It didn't really matter what my concern was, that i wanted to be a part of her life, in good times and tough times.

She knows how to take care of herself and I was only really thinking what I wanted.

You know I hear people saying females get detached while they are still in a relationship, so they have time to come to term with it and men find out by surprise.

I am not actually sure if this is true or not and it doesn't make a difference as each scenario is different, however for the past 21 month, specially for the past 2 weeks, all was on my mind how to serve her and make life more comfortable for her ( sure with my flaws and ADHD brain), and specially the last two weeks by the look of it as I was the last person in her life and I added more to her concerns then it seems she needed time to get rid of the one easier to get rid of.

I am not sure how I feel right now.

I know I would have given my life to make her happy, however at what cost?

I am a different person now because knowing her.

She was very consistence all along , she showed me by her actions that there were times she didn't want anyone around including me.

Her way of dealing with things was solitude and shutting the world down.

After a little while I got the message and when she didn't reply for a day or two, I got the picture.

I didn't like it, however i had no choice.

This is not about bagging her or putting her down. I would have her back in a heart beat. I am in love with her.

She found a way to deal with challenges in life and it is her way or the high way.

I am by no mean perfect. Being diagnosed recently with ADHD, I am discovering who I have been for others and myself all these many decades.

And just this morning I was listening to something that made me realise I get my self worth by pleasing others and trying to make them happy with my standards.

When I see her to exchange few items , I am going to thank her for being persistence with her way and standing her ground today with me.

This is the kind of realisation and awareness i need to have for my personal self care, and i am sorry to say I could not learn that lesson if she didn't stand her ground and uninvited me to rest of her life.

Mind you knowing something doesn't make a difference, it is the application of it that has a potential to elevate one's life.

I have been listening to many podcast and the theme has been emotions drives our behaviour.

We keep making decisions based on a future outcome.

I felt good about myself when I was in her company.

I felt good about myself when i did things for her.

I felt good about myself, when I was included in her life.

I felt good about myself just knowing she was there in my life.

And even when those times, interactions and events, got further and further apart, it was the hope for the future outcome that drove me to try harder, do better.

She did not and does not need any validation from anyone and I respect her for standing her ground.

Mind you, I do wonder why would we ever get into a realtionship, if we never need anything from anyone?

What is the point of travelling a journey with someone if we can't include them in our life?

Perhaps I am still missing the point.

Good night Folks.

Love 😥

[Ru-bee]

Hey @miniACDC 

I'm sorry to hear that things have ended with your partner

It can be very hard being with a partner who is so independent and who is not able to open up or come to you in difficult times. It does sound as though you partner was a very independent person and has perhaps had to be in the past. From what you've described I get the impression that some of her actions were out of self-protection, though of course I do not know her and could be off on this. I also understand that your actions were out of a desire to hold on to the relationship and of course we can't know at this point if any other actions would've caused a different outcome.

"Mind you, I do wonder why would we ever get into a realtionship, if we never need anything from anyone?"

This is an interesting thought, sometimes I've seen it a case of not needing things from a relationship, but choosing to enter into one because you enjoy the addition they bring to your life. Some people might even be extremely uncomfortable with the idea of needing another person and this can cause them to pull away to protect themselves - if you don't need others and keep them at an arms length then you're less likely to feel let down and hurt by these people.

Heartbreak is an awful thing to go through, but I hope that connecting here is helpful in processing everything.

[miniACDC]

Thank you @Ru-bee 

I guess in Honeymoon period you don't see those signs or choose to ignore them.

She said it from the day one, something to the tune of Expect nothing from others and if they come trough then you will be surprised.

In that short 21 month we shared many thing, stories and conversations with each other, with our families. We went Ring shopping even twice, however I always felt, I was kept at an arms length from her. Of course she was protecting herself.

Remembering a quote from The Movie: 

The quote "Every woman has the exact love life she wants" 

The hopless romantic part of me wanted to devote my life to her and her family,  however at what cost.

I am sorry to say, i have been down this road so many times, no one like her thou. She was and is something special. She tought me and showed me, how to look after number one all the times and other people's wants, needs are not really her concern. 

I feel I am a different person now than 21 month ago. I still believe in Happy ending and Fairy Tale!

I know it is a corny thing and nobody else believes in it, however we teach people and show them with our actions, how we need to be treated and what we accept and don't.

Then I guess it is thier choice to stay or leave, mind you , we might attract different kind of people into our lives.

Anyway, I really appreciate the suport here. I am going to be busy for the next few weeks with little journey into my health and wellbeing, so that should keep me busy.

Love you guys

XX

[miniACDC]

A grown man, 

With a roller-coaster of emotions all due to wanting to be in a loving relationship for most of my life.

It doesn't make sense why emotions rule my life!

Knowing something, doesn't make a difference. 

I am aware that i am the common denominator of all my past failed attempts.

The bucks stops with me.

Failing at something doesn't make me a failure, I guess I have not found the one that works.

I am just tired of doing it all over again. Opening your heart to another soul and get crushed again.

I don't know what to do anything more. Just keep going and do my best to improve other aspects of my life, be open minded and who knows the lightening could strike. 

[rav3n]

hey @miniACDC i also really loved this question you've asked: 

I do wonder why would we ever get into a realtionship, if we never need anything from anyone?

What is the point of travelling a journey with someone if we can't include them in our life?

it's something that i've sat with and questioned MANY times, and i think my answer is still a work-in-progress. 

the way i see it is - our 'needs' can't be met by one single person, i reckon it would be quite exhausting if it was too. i think that's why family, friends, classmates, co-workers and all the people you meet along the way is so important. we learn different things from different people, and having the expectation that one person is going to come along and be everything you need can be hard. none of us humans are perfect; we all have our strengths and weaknesses. when i need someone to be real with me, i go to my sister but when i need gentleness, i go to my bestie, etc. 

have you heard the quote, friends for a season, a reason or a life time? you can honestly apply it to any relationship dynamic, but there are going to be some people that come into your life just for a short period of time - maybe they're just there to keep you company, to make you laugh, to make you feel less alone. some come in to teach you a life lesson - i've had a few friends who've come in, treated me like shit and although i know i deserved better... the experience taught me how strong i am and how important boundaries are. some people aren't meant to stay in your life forever because if they did, perhaps you'd never learn a special lesson or cherish the moment as much. 

sometimes our 'needs' are things we should be working on for ourselves. if we 'need' a romantic relationship, it might be good to reflect on why? i know that when i felt that way, it was because i wanted someone to love me to prove i was 'worth' loving... i was looking for validation. but the truth is, i needed to find self-love and self-validation first, or else i was relying too much on another person to make me feel good about myself (which would be unfair on them as that's not their job). i think relationships are about sharing. sharing good times and bad ones, having a laugh, being present, really listening to each other and saying "i see you".

i could talk about this for ages haha, love those questions.