Trying makes it worse

[EternalFlower]

Hello. Feeling really vulnerable tonight, descending into negative thoughts about my past and blaming myself for choices that led to me ending up in a toxic rship ....cyclical thinking ...I don't want to accept what was happened and all the pain and turmoil I went though and for how long...

I am overtired and my place since hospital is a mess and I'm being really self critical like I just can't live with the piles of crap on the floor but I have no energy to deal. I feel lonely and isolated and wish I had the friends or the money to have some help cleaning everything and managing life.

I had a meeting today at hospital with staff over my case and my friend came to support me. It went well in its way but yet feeling so empty now, like I still didn't get my needs met. I feel alone even though I had someone with me today. 

I don't think I'm enough and my damage is too big. It's eternal. 

I went to the op shop today and bought a wooden crate which I hope to dust off and use as a bedside table. Currently I don't have one.

[StanD]

It's Okay Eternal flower. I'm new. Isaw your words & I felt sad. I can identify with so much. I think I have been in state of disassociation and de - realisation for long time. Too much trauma to accept? It's frightening. I worry who, or how I can face it. What will happen to me? Do you ever think like that? I think, hope - no rush or pressure. It will unfold when I am ready. Have supports ready.

StanD

[EternalFlower]

@StanD I'm in my  thirties and I only just learnt that I disassociate. At least we know, I guess, although it is because of a painful past that won't stop hunting me....

I'm sorry you go through that ...no one deserves trauma

[EternalFlower]

Last night was awful I went into hyper vigilance and was up all night shaking. This happens to me a few times a year. It is scary and like reliving ecerything from the past. I did t reach out to a helpline.... I have used them in the past but I got out of hospital recently and I guess I don't use them in hopsital and kinda hope that I won't need them again, that I'm "better" and "don't need it."

So I put off contacting supports because I am in delusion that I'm "fine, really"

And now I'm exhausted and out of it.

And the house is still messy and im feeling flat 

[tonys]

@EternalFlower Hello mate.   I am sorry I did not see your post earlier.  What can I say to Lift the blues mate. Why  is it always worse at night.  You mentioned a friend that went with you to hospital,  A friend that cares about you I guess.   That on its own is powerful.  The mind and body walk hand in hand, so I understand your fatigue. . .   As for the mess.   I know girls pride themselves on order,  but given your state,  no ones looking,    You know ,  when my place gets out of control , I can either spend my energy tiding it up,  or turn my back on it,  opt for some exercise,  and a change of scenery.  Option 2 wins every time.  A big long walk, towing my unwilling hound. New surrounds, faces and interactions fresh air and ideas. 

My bedside tables are wooden crates too  mate.   Not giving my money  to overseas manufacturers, Its one of my many hobbies.  I can afford new furniture, but I find a strange glass half full feeling about the art of giving a second life to what others discard.  Those bedsides make you an aristocrat in my eyes my friend.  Your belongings are a handy filter as to who your real friends are too.    Just be glad you beat me to those apple crates. . .

This is not helping I know,  but it does tell you that I care about you.   New,  unexpected seeds arise from chaos,  a new self discovery could be just around the corner,  and I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. . . .           tonys moonbase one

[EternalFlower]

Hey @tonys 

You're right women are always about order and house pride which makes me feel like a failure. I just need a break from looking at it 

I once bought one expensive lamp from a frubtirue place called brosa which lovely as it was shut down with tons of orders not delivered and was then bought by Kogan to save their enormous debt!!! So apple crate from op shop is a delight and a home. 

My friend came as a support person and we were pretty successful in getting heard but I think somehow my brain can't cope and is just in a terror place like I've been trying to get out of a dangerous wave of trauma. My friend doesn't understand trauma so well but she does try. I was very touched that she agreed to come to the hospital with me as I am normally alone at these meetings and could use some support at times. It is always a bit intimidating. They were nice this time.

I go back to see my Dr on Thursday who has been helping so much and is a sweet man.

I get a bit awkward when he tries with the jokes lol.

But I'm grateful he tries as some drs are so stony and never crack a smile.

[tonys]

@EternalFlower  I sent a letter about 10 mins ago then saw this one.   Mate ,please,  if you are feeling anxious and lost,  ring ,  talk , write,  and bother as many people as you need too,

If an overwhelming need by many is observed, then you may actually be helping draw attention to the need, and inadvertently  help to bring about an overall improvement in support services.

I can feel people cringing at this upside down logic.  But I say cry out from the rooftops till you get the help you need.     You are not a winger. Your cries for help are one of your many symptoms and in need of attention and resources,   Please stay in touch with everyone.

Your friend                tonys   moon base one 

[tonys]

@EternalFlower  Yes laughter is an essential part of medicine,   If you can manage a smile, a laugh, at the world and maybe even yourself,  then i reckon with some help, you'll  be able to get that back wheel out of the bog. Seeing a little humour and irony in adversity,  that takes quality my friend,  You may not see it in the dark hours at night, but we both know you have quality.

You have sailed on some quality boats my gut tells me,  so  the fall can be all the more difficult to come to terms with,  but you are intelligent.   a souffle that will rise as many times as it needs to and be all the stronger for it.    Stay steely  friend.  .  .  tonys mb 1

[StanD]

I wasn't sure if I could write to you @EternalFlower Being new, I didn't want to make you feel uncomfortable. I'm glad I did. You remind me of me. And you sound kind. I feel less alone. It is hard feeling sad or inadequate. I worry about being too needy. The world can be harsh. I worry that I feel so much sadness so often. There is fundamentally something very wrong with me. I'm a small child, scared and alone in a world of grown ups. It looks like you have a good friend who sounds very supportive of you. I am slowly letting people into my life. I believe I am too damaged to let them in to where I need them. Trauma takes away. I think the sadness I feel is knowing I can never get it back. The grief is all I have left to let me know I existed. I have enormous anger. Betrayal. I'm sorry for your pain. You are right. No one ever deserves that. I hope the best for you. I hope you will find a way in your life, soon, that your suffering can be eased profoundly. You sound like a person who has been through the worst and refuse to give up. I wish the world will see your desperation & unrelenting desire to live, & finally give you your home. I believe you are worthy. Best wishes. StanD

[EternalFlower]

Youre right @tonys why does seeking help feel wrong and horrible and then it helps and opens closed doors which otherwise loomed like stone.

I called psychiatric triage and the man was ok