Trying makes it worse

[EternalFlower]

Hi @tonys you kept me safe I'm sorry if that is too much pressure to say and it is not literally true or a burden but just that ur efforts and care helped me.

I will share what the triage man said , he told me to spend twenty minutes remedying the problem which was bags everywhere 

I said oh....should I unpack the bags? And he said no, more stuff on the floor....so I tried to do some basic things like clear out the fridge , things that feel safe and make me feel less failure.

[tonys]

Hello @EternalFlower ,   I like that advice.   You just do the little bit that makes you feel good today.  The bags we carry inside are more important to unpack than the ones on our floors sometimes.   You are no failure.  just had a big fall mate.  Many of us do, maybe not from the top floor,  but we all loose our grip.  Its part of being a vulnerable person and the pressure of expectation from others in this fast world we have built.    The mind is so complex.   For some they just cant face that they need to ask for help.   I admire your courage so much, You are out there searching.   You will rebuild my friend.

I'm not sure my fridge has a back,  but now you have brought it to my attention, I'm going to mount an expedition.  I hear noises in there from time to time,  and eyes in the dark when I shine a flashlight in  there.    Ah. . . . . . it can wait till next year.

Chin up mate,    We  carry each other my friend.          tonys moon base one.

[EternalFlower]

Hi @tonys

Thanks my friend .

It is having a friend to gently nudge me to seek help that helps me be brave. 

There are dark times and my mind is full of dark. I think not sleeping makes things scarier 

I tried today to be a little kinder to myself...even though the good weather feels harsh and just enhances the contrast with my inner turmoil I accepted it...it is a sunny day.... I have time...I wandered the op shops, bought a cold drink, and sat on a bench soaking it in. I guess it is something.

I'm alive another day.

[EternalFlower]

Hello 

Yesterday called hopsital was helpful and was put under 24 hour "safety's watch, or alert as they call in which is probably my name is on a list for urgent suppottz my case is handed over to the staff on today and people know to help me when I call or if I call which I haven't done and am scared to do.

I'm not feeling great but not too bad either just a bit in between and exhausted and maybe triggered or like I have no hope like late suicidal feelings @tonys @tyme 

[Jynx]

Hey @EternalFlower just wanted to check in on what you mean when you say 'late suicidal feelings'? I'm around if you wanna chat 💜

[EternalFlower]

Hi @Jynx 

I meant latent suicidal feelings thanks for asking

My bad.

I am trying to cope and put off or manage without calling the hospital

Last night the triage man encouraged me to safely take a bit more medication. I hadn't slept at all the night before and with the extra I did sleep but still up to 2am which was still disappointing and then slept in late.

I am not sure if I am safe but trying my best while still very tired and on edge and probably honestly scared that I have felt so close to the edge and so dark in my head so quickly.

It is still a bit with me.

[Jynx]

@EternalFlower Thanks for clearing that up for me, I imagine that is quite a scary thing to be sitting with. I can hear that you're really trying to get through the evening as best you can, but it's a struggle. I'm gonna flick you an email to check in, keep an eye out. 

We're all here with you and it's really great you're able to reach out to this community in such dark times 💜

[tonys]

@EternalFlower  ,  Oh dear me friend,  Here am down by the river, and you ,  my mate,  are in the fight of your life.   I'm so sorry I did not realise the late hour.

I pray by now you are under the watchful eye of someone and please please please,   if not then there has to be a way you can be.   You know if I could sit with you in the waiting room at hospital all night I would.   

 Mate Im going to share a little something with you.    I'm not a religious fellow,  to lazy and shy to go near a church,  but  you  have  got  me on  my knees right  now.  Please dont be scared to ring and get someone to be with you.   Do it now for me please,  show em this and blame me.   Tell em I gave you an order,   You are not fully in control and people here are very worried about you my friend.  

Wondering around on your own all day,  op shops ,   Feels not right to me,   Someone has to be found to stay with you,  or you have to be in care somewhere.

I am just a grunt,   I know nothing about mental health,  but I do Know my gut.  I suspect its a mix of Pride and you not wanting to be a burden,   Well stuff all that.  You deserve help.  you've given all your life and now its time to be the noisy squeaky  wheel.  

I will visit tomorrow.  Please re read this     and be kind to yourself.   Please write me and I'll keep checking,                Care about you mate.           tonys moon base one

[tonys]

@EternalFlower   Hello there friend.   Popping the door to check on you.    I  do hope you are talking to the right people and managing a tiny smile.   I'm thinking off you,    I'm here if you want to talk or even just smile and wave.

Please take very careful steps today.   Your friend.      tonys   moon base 1

[EternalFlower]

Hi @tonys wise and caring thank you. I have been with a friend but right people is true...I called hopsital and they didn't call back....I called my Dr to leave message and the receptionist weren't very caring either so friedns is all I have now.