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Bee27
Casual Contributor

I need some advise about my boyfriends substance abuse

My boyfriend of one year, he told me at the start of our relationship a few months in, that he was a heavy ice user in his early 20s. He is now 29 and stop using ice a few years ago because of the toll it was taking on his life and he didn't like the path he was going down in life. He still uses coke occasionally, when drinking out with his friends, so only every couple of months, around 2-3 months. The last time it happened I told him that I didn't want drugs in my life and I didn't want a partner that did drugs, it was time for us to settle down and start thinking about the future. He agreed with me and told me he would stop. I found out of Monday that he had used coke three times in the past three weeks and he had lied to me about it. Due to COVID we are currently separated by lockdowns and state lines and have been for three weeks. He told me that he has become really depressed in the last three weeks and has turned to drugs and alcohol to help. I told him I didn't want this for my life and he broke my trust by lying to me. He has admitted to me he needs help and is going to see a doctor today. I'm so conflicted because I love him and I desperately hope he will be able to stop but I'm just not sure he will be able too. He is saying all the right things now but what about in the future. I need some advise, I just don't know what to do. 

10 REPLIES 10

Re: I need some advise about my boyfriends substance abuse

Hi @Bee27 

This sounds like a really tough time. I want to applaud you for being very clear with your boundaries and expectations with your partner. And to acknowledge how difficult it must be seperated from them by Lockdowns. 

Naturally, it must be devestating that your partner lied to you. I know sometimes when someone lies to me it can help to put myself in their shoes and wonder why they lied.  I know from having been in relationships with users before they can often feel immense amounts of shame. This may be the case with your partner, especially if his use is coming from mental health difficulties.

It sounds like because your partner is willing to seek help that he really wants to make your relationship work and you are a priority in this life. So maybe, as simplistic as it sounds, continue what you're doing? Be supportive, non-judgemental and continue being clear about your expectations and boundaries. Having someone on your side when trying to change any behavior is super helpful. 

Also, I noticed your newer around the Forums so I've linked you to some other threads about drug and alcohol use here that may be useful for you to read over in case you haven't seen them Smiley Happy 

All the best 
- periwinklepixie 

Re: I need some advise about my boyfriends substance abuse

@Bee27 

 

It's a very hard time at the moment, and i guess based on your question on you don't know if you can trust him, Well.....

 

Trust is built on actions.. 

 

If you love him and he is going through this tough time, he will want your support and having difficult situations where he feels like he is letting you down is going to probably weigh on him.

 

I am not sure what kind of person you are, but being young and in love, you could try to turn this into a game. Just like housework, if you can make it fun to get off the drugs, then it is more like to happen and stick.  This is just a thought, but do you think your relationship can survive and do you think you could make getting off the bad stuff more than him staying on it?

 

What do you think?

Re: I need some advise about my boyfriends substance abuse

Thank you for the advice. 

I hope our relationship can survive this. He is trying, he saw a doctor yesterday who is going to refer him to someone to talk too. I'm trying to be supportive but it is hard, especially when I do feel hurt and let down. I am also trying to understand because I have never been through anything like this before, I have never done drugs and I hardly ever drink. I have anxiety but I have never had depression before. 

I like your comment @AussieRecharger  regarding trust being built on actions. How do you start to build that trust back? 
Also do you have any suggestions regarding how to make getting off drugs more fun? I feel like I am a little out of my depth here. 

Thank you both @periwinklepixie and @AussieRecharger for replying 

Re: I need some advise about my boyfriends substance abuse

My truthful advice is, if he is causing you stress and trauma, maybe you should not consider him your boyfriend for your own peace of mind.  

Re: I need some advise about my boyfriends substance abuse

Hey @Bee27 

 

It is the things like buying a cookbook and learning how to cook different recipes you like together.. playing board games such as cards against humanity, building a garden together, and of course, you can make all this more fun with teasing and naughty whispers. 

 

It's time together and the time you make for each other that will be fun. I know it's harder in lockdown.  If he is not engaging or if spending time with you seems more like a chore than fun, then his actions are clearly saying something.

 

 

Re: I need some advise about my boyfriends substance abuse

@Bee27 

 

Speaking from a recovered addict experience and point of view, I lied and did things at times. There were a few reasons, I didn't care, I wanted what I wanted and it was there. I went to work high sometimes. I stole sometimes to feed my own drug habits. Lying is part of the territory. 

 

I have also been in the receiving end of being lied to, like your current situation. I understand how trust has been broken for you. It takes time to deal with the hurt of that. Building trust if you are to stay together is vital. When you are ready, think of ways you would like to build trust, what would you need from him to start building trust again? 

 

As for Coke. Yeah that us the rich man's drug they call it. Coke doesn't last long in the system and its an expensive drug. Thankfully he chose to get off the ice. It shows me that if he can do that, then be us capable and willing to get off Coke. The fact that he has followed through on seeing a doctor is a good step. 

 

The thing with addiction though is it is something you need to beat. It is a long process. I can suggest doing some research on Narcotics Anonymous. You might find some useful info there. Also, if you are going to support your boyfriend, make sure you support yourself and have support too. 

 

I hope this has been helpful. 

 

Wishing you and your boyfriend well. 

 

PF

Re: I need some advise about my boyfriends substance abuse

Thank you @Powderfinger  for sharing your insights from both sides. I think it is very important to understand both.

 

@Bee27 , I also acknowledge the difficulties lockdown brings, and not being able to see and spend time with a loved one does eventually take its toll. I'm am so glad you reached out here so that other forum members can share their experiences.

 

I encourage you to keep reaching out as you, yourself, deserve care and support too. Do you have family support or supports from friends?

Re: I need some advise about my boyfriends substance abuse

@BPDSurvivor 

 

Thank you. Yes it is important.

Re: I need some advise about my boyfriends substance abuse

I do have lots of support around me, my family are very supportive and I also have a a psychologist that I have booked an appointment for next week. 

With lockdown ending he was able to come back home on the weekend, we spent a lot of time talking over things. We also went and talked to his mum, which I think was a very positive step. 
We also took some time away from the situation to do something fun together. 

He is so far been showing me how much he wants to change and opening up more about his past. I think we have a long way to go with rebuilding that trust, but we are both willing to try. I have also come to realise that because I have never been exposed to drugs/substance abuse, my view could be somewhat narrow and I need to work on understanding why he turns to substances. He also admitted that this is something he needs to explore because he doesn't fully understand why he turns to alcohol and drugs when things are stressful or not going in his favour. 

Thanks everyone for the advise and thoughts. 

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